Friday, December 30, 2022

Cannon for Congress!

Why the donation button on the right side of this page? I'm entering politics!

There has been a great deal of talk about redoing the election which ended in victory for congressperson-elect George Santos, disgraced for lying about every iota of his life history. Not only that, he'll be facing more than one investigation into his shady finances

If a new election comes to pass, I intend to toss in my own trilby. Why not the best? Why not me? Who, I ask, is better qualified?

As devoted readers know, I am a lifelong resident of that place in New York that Santos lives in. I often do many New Yorky things such as eating pizza and talking loud.

If elected, I would be the first Representative to have earned the Bruno Rossi Prize for contributions to high energy astrophysics, the Purple Heart, the Nobel Prize for Blogging, and a Tony for my refreshingly unconventional portrayal of Mrs. Lovett in "Sweeney Todd." (Patti Lupone was so jealous she hired a hit man.) As Grand Master of the Knights Templar (eastern seaboard division), I've engaged in many incredibly secret projects that I'm not allowed to talk about, such as the creation of chocolate-flavored artificial adrenochrome. My Ring cycle was better than Solti's. And then there's the time I made a lasting contribution to our national prosperity by inventing Bitcoin.

Am I Jewish? Oy, am I Jewish! My mother, Matilda Shonda, often cooked potato latkas, matzoh ball soup, onion kugel, borekas, sufganiyot, dreidels, yarmulkes, and other very Jewish delicacies. And the guilt I grew up with...! This is true: When Apollo 13 broke down, first thing I did was apologize. Yes, my upbringing was so Jewish you could plotz. 

My father, Kyril Elmer Cannon, inventor of the Post-It Note, was 1/8 Sasquatch on his father's side. If elected, I pledge to be a staunch advocate for the rights of all Bigfoot-Americans.

People of New York and Americans everywhere, you need me as your representative on Capitol Hill. 

If you would like to donate to this campaign, hit the Donation button to your right.

Besides, I've got to come up with some extra scratch by the third or they'll turn my lights off. Thanks! And I promise to post much more frequently in the coming year.

10 comments:

Lee said...

You got my vote Joseph!! Only thing is dreidels go bad really quickly, especially the JINO ‘sham’ dreidles thems the real shanda. Everyone worth their schmaltz knows the only good dreidels are the ‘poh’ dreidles bur even those won’t last more than 8 days.

Maybe you’re forgetting your mamaleh’s coup de gras the Grieven!! Who doesn’t love grieven?? Aside from the hidden messages in grievin’ it’s also a delicacy on par, nay, superior to kishka! My Bubbah used to say the secret is in the chunks of skin tossed in to the boiling schmalts but after years of doing my own research I must state it’s actually the little chunks of pipek that makes a superior grieven. Who even knew that a chicken’s got a pupick??


Missed you Joe!

Anonymous said...

Hey Satoshi I got a bone to pick with you. I bought sone of those stupid BTCs back in 2011 right when the coin hit $28. Of course within weeks it sunk as low as $3 so I sold them all. My $500 was instantly worth $66 so I sold it before it would sink lower.

Sone of these cypherpunks told me “just hodl then bro.” I wanted to deck ‘em. Those 22 bitcoins were never going to be worth anything I told myself.

Anonymous said...

Lee

joseph said...

Can we get some evidence that you weren't born in Brazil? Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter.

Gus said...

You've got my vote.

Anonymous said...

You seem to be campaigning about as actively as Trump.

joseph said...

Cannonfire,

A while back you had a lengthy post defending America's entry into World War I. I can't find it and would like to read it again. Can you provide the link?

Joe

Joseph Cannon said...

J (and feel free to call me J as well): I think you mean this one.

https://cannonfire.blogspot.com/2020/09/trump-swears-swear-on-whatever-or.html

I had forgotten that I wrote that piece.

Magic Mushrooms said...

You got my vote Joseph!! Only thing is dreidels go bad really quickly, especially the JINO ‘sham’ dreidles thems the real shanda. Everyone worth their schmaltz knows the only good dreidels are the ‘poh’ dreidles bur even those won’t last more than 8 days.

magic mushrooms in uk said...

Maybe you’re forgetting your mamaleh’s coup de gras the Grieven!! Who doesn’t love grieven?? Aside from the hidden messages in grievin’ it’s also a delicacy on par, nay, superior to kishka! My Bubbah used to say the secret is in the chunks of skin tossed in to the boiling schmalts but after years of doing my own research I must state it’s actually the little chunks of pipek that makes a superior grieven. Who even knew that a chicken’s got a pupick??