Actual photos of XENU! For real! No fooling!

(This is a non-political Sunday piece.)

A while back, I wrote a short piece about Scientology. The imp of the perverse (as Poe once called it) inspired me to spend the next few nights engrossed in Hubbardiana, reviewing familiar material and seeking out new information.

To be specific: I became fascinated by the fate of Xenu the Markabian, the evil galactic space-lord at the heart of L. Ron Hubbard's mythology.

The video at the top of this page offers a very nice illustration of the story. You should view it before proceeding further, unless you've already seen the South Park version.

According to the story, Xenu, aided by evil psychiatrists and evil IRS personnel, killed billions of galactic citizens millions of years ago. The victims were all frozen with injections of glycol -- or so said L. Ron Hubbard, who may not have known that glycol is the main ingredient in antifreeze. Xenu took his victims to Earth (or Teegeeack) and tossed them into volcanoes. Then he brainwashed their souls in giant movie theaters.

These days, top Scientologists deny that Xenu has anything to do with their religion, even though, in a court case, they had once tried very hard to prevent the Xenu material from coming out. In fact, L. Ron Hubbard himself spewed out the entire Xenu story at breakneck speed in a recorded lecture called "Assists," which he revealed unto his top aides in October of 1968.

You can find the whole weird discourse, unedited and translated into an mp3 file, somewhere on the net. I won't tell you where. If you manage to find it, and if you feel compelled to listen to the whole thing, be warned: LRH doesn't get into the Xenu material for quite a long time.

For those unwilling to explore the dark side of the net, the most relevant sections of the lecture are on YouTube, here and here and here and here.

The lecture is far more outlandish and confusing than is the "cleaned up" version shown in the video embedded above. Hubbard, according to at least one witness, popped many a pill during this phase of his life -- a fact which may explain why his story contradicts itself.

For example, he said that Xenu's brainwashing sessions included Scientology's own material:

"First he gave them the implant which you know as Clearing Course. Then a whole track was implanted which you know as OT2."

These terms refer to stages in what the Scientologists call "auditing" -- an allegedly beneficial process which everyone in the religion undergoes. Yet Hubbardians consider "implantation" a great crime. (In Scientologese, an "implant" is a false idea injected into the mind during hypnosis or brainwashing.) Thus, Hubbard is saying that Xenu himself was the father of Scientology's practices!

Here's another amusing stream-of consciousness self-contradiction by Hubbard:

"In view of the fact that Einstein was absolutely right, no man can go faster than the speed of light, which is a bunch of balderdash..."

The lecture goes on and on like that. Most people hearing this spiel will conclude that L. Ron Hubbard was, at this stage of his life, an utter schiz. He wasn't just a huckster: He was nuts.

(Incidentally, in the afore-cited lecture, Hubbard gives Xenu an alternate spelling: XEMU. He always used "Xenu" in writing.)

The entire Thetans-in-the-volcanoes episode is known to adepts as Incident II, the Wall of Fire, or the R6 implant. Since you aren't supposed to learn about this tale until you become a third-level Operating Thetan, the story is also called the OTIII Revelation. (An "Operating Thetan" is someone who has successfully undergone Scientology-approved therapy sessions.) Non-OTIII's who are exposed to the Xenu story may misunderstand it, and might even laugh at it.

Despite this veil of secrecy, Hubbard's minions placed volcano imagery on the cover of Dianetics, thereby offering a visual hint of the sect's foundation legend.

Ever since this story slipped out into public awareness, illustrators have tried to picture Xenu, even though Hubbard never gave a very definite description. The images on this page show a few of those attempts to depict Galactic Evil Incarnate.

Alas, all of these attempts fall short of the mark. Hubbard did, in fact, offer a few clues as to what Xenu looks like, and those clues point in a different direction. (I speak of Mr. X in the present tense, for he is still alive.)

Hubbard described everyday life in Xenu's Galactic federation as being very much like life in America circa 1960 -- similar buildings, cars, trains and boats. The inhabitants walked "around in clothes which looked very remarkably like the clothes they [should be "we"] wear this very minute." Thus, we should picture Xenu in a business suit, looking somewhat like a politician or a banker.

Not only that. He has a bad leg and uses a cane.

We know this because Hubbard said so -- or at least wrote so -- in what he was pleased to call a treatment for a proposed Xenu screenplay. He called it Revolt in the Stars.

As you must already know, Hubbard (in his pre-Messiah days) spent years as a peculiarly prolific pulp science fiction writer. He kept quiet about that aspect of resume after he had established Scientology and announced himself as the Friend of Mankind. In those days, literary types tended to sneer at science fiction -- and even some within the SF community felt disdainful toward "space opera," the sub-genre Hubbard called home.

Then came Star Wars. Suddenly, the much-derided "space-opera" genre was hotter than habaneros. Hubbard, taking a new pride in his literary history, decided to get back into the game. The Xenu mythos gave him the perfect foundation for a script that would, he felt certain, hit Hollywood like a Teegeeackquake.

Alas, there were no quakes in Hollywood. The treatment (which does not conform to any industry format known to me) went out to all the studios, and they all rejected it. Revolt in the Stars would never become The Greatest Show on Teegeeack. The treatment was not formally published -- in fact, those outside the faith were never supposed to know of its existence.

And here it is.

Is it genuine? Of course. Hubbard's style is inimitable:

The rigid cordon of Marines, facing outward, automatic weapons in hand, had fierce eyes against any threatened intrusion into the site. VIPs that must not be approached, an object that was top secret and a sergeant with a hangover increased their trigger-happy vigilance.

Several supercilious scientists gazed benignly at the water, tolerantly and learnedly waiting for the object to appear, hoping no one had penetrated the fact that they hadn’t a clue.

Jedgar, the jut-jawed czar of all US police and security forces scowled with ferocity at the water.

"Jedgar." Heh. Get it? And heeeeere's Xenu:

Xenu, bitter faced, sardonic, leaning heavily on a cane that was more like a club, limped forward to the front edge of the draped railing. He glared down at the stalled group on the concourse below and did not like what he saw. The dark somberness of his civilian suit, the darkness of his hair and face seemed to spread outward.

If anyone ever films this, you know who'd make a good Xenu? John Travolta. (There are rumors that he planned to make Revolt in the Stars if Battlefield Earth had gone over well.)

By the way, the script makes clear that people smoke cigarettes on Xenu's homeworld. Hubbard, who favored Kools, thought that cigarettes cured lung cancer.

Now, I know what you're thinking. The title of this post promised you an actual photograph of Xenu. Don't worry: I shall provide. But before we see the Evil One, we need even more backstory.

(For ACTUAL PHOTOS OF XENU, click "Permalink" below! All the Xenus pictured above are actually imposters. You'll see the REAL XENU after the jump!)

In the late 1960s, Hubbard had a close aide called Bill Robertson -- a man whose name causes Scientologists to yowl and screech in fury and dismay, for reasons which I shall soon explain. Robertson's birth name was Aaron Pfefferberg -- although from time to time, he also called himself Wilma. He is often referred to as Captain Bill Robertson, because when he was still a very young man, Hubbard promoted him to that rank. (They lived on a large ship.)

Robertson was present on that fateful night in October, 1968, when L. Ron Hubbard first revealed the truth about Xenu the evil Markabian. (Note: The image to your right shows one of Xenu's many imposters; this is NOT the real Xenu.) As Jon Atack revealed in his book A Piece of Blue Sky (pdf version available here), the lecture prompted Cap'n Billy to make sure that all of Hubbard's most advanced staff members wore white uniforms resembling those worn by the Galactic Patrol, the "good guys" who arrested Xenu.

"Captain" Bill Robertson, who introduced the uniforms to both Edinburgh and Los Angeles, also ordered a nightwatch in Los Angeles. The crew assembled on the roof every night to watch for the spaceships of Hubbard's enemies. "Captain" Bill has continued his crusade against the invading aliens, the "Markabians," into the 1990s.

In his "Assists" lecture, Hubbard indicates that he believes flying saucers are real and that the pilots are Markabians.

Robertson was obviously very close to Hubbard, and no doubt was privy to many of his private thoughts. I've heard that Robertson was Hubbard's auditor, which is a bit like being the Pope's confessor. Here is Cap'n Bill giving his own life history, including his intimate recollections of LRH, Friend of Mankind:

And he told us of several of his lives in the past that he was using to build up reserves and technology to prepare for the auditing of the people of this planet. And he told us that Buddhism, when he was Gautama, was the first attempt to get people to stay out of their reactive banks...

That's right. Ron was Buddha. Not Keanu: Ron.

When Hubbard disappeared from view in the early 1980s, Robertson became estranged from the sect's leadership. He also became convinced that the great man had died, and that evil forces within Scientology were conspiring to hide the truth and commandeer the empire. Robertson also believed that he had long been in telepathic communication with his mentor.

Thus, in 1982, Cap'n Bill inaugurated his own version of the faith, which he called Free Zone Scientology.

The leadership of orthodox Scientology became infuriated. They insisted that LRH was still alive -- as in fact he was: He survived until 1986 in a drugged-out stupor, snarling at aides to light his Kools. The church denounced the Free Zoners as "squirrels," a term of derision. (Amusingly, a key Scientology compound near Lake Arrowhead, California, is located just off of Squirrel Road.)

To this day, the leadership calls Bill Robertson (who died in 1992) a psychopath. This raises an interesting conundrum: Isn't auditing intended to cure all mental health problems? High level Scientologists are supposed to be supremely rational beings -- y'know, just like Tommy Davis and David Miscaivage and Tom Cruise and L. Ron Hubbard.

Personally, I won't dispute the assessment that Cap'n Billy went psycho -- although I also suspect that he and Hubbard had entered into a shared delusional state which shrinks call folie a deux.

Beginning in 1982, Cap'n Billy sent out a series of "Sector Bulletins" to the Free Zoners. In these texts, he revealed that LRH was actually a benevolent alien named Elron Elray, while Billy himself was an interstellar traveler named Astar Paramejgian. (Aaron Pfefferberg = Astar Paramejgian. It all makes sense, dunnit?) The bulletins contained material which Bi...excuse me: which Astar had received from Hubbard, either in person or by telepathy. The bulletins mixed Scientology with huge chunks of conspiracy/UFO lore, of the sort familiar to anyone conversant with the parapolitical fringe during the 1980s.

In the days before the internet, both weirdos and weirdo-watchers circulated odd material via xeroxes and the U.S. postal service, which is how the sector bulletins eventually made their way into my files. God, they were hilarious. I first read this stuff at a Carls Jr., and I laughed so hard that Dr. Pepper came shooting out of my nose.

These texts contained much updated Xenu information. The most important thing you have to know is this:

XENU ESCAPED!

That's right. When LRH left off the story in October of 1968, he had Xenu imprisoned within a mountain. He didn't specify which mountain, although word later slipped out that Xenu was trapped in the Pyrenees. (I knew there was something weird about that area! Y'think Bernadette was actually seeing Xenu's thetan in drag?)

But after 70 million years, Xenu and his evil henchbeings slipped out through a hole in the wall covered by a Rita Hayworth poster. Boy were they pissed.

Astar's Sector Bulletins are online (most of 'em, at any rate), and they tell the story.


Back in the 18th Century, Xenu was able to say "Madam, I'm Adam." Adam Weishaupt, that is. Xenu took on the persona of the leader of the Illuminati and spread his poisonous doctrines through the whole of Freemasonry.

Then he started playing really dirty. In his next incarnation, he plunged the world into the worst war mankind has ever seen.

Was he Hitler? No. Mussolini? No. Tojo? No. Stalin? No no no. Not even close.

Xenu was the true malefactor in that conflict -- the most evil creature alive on the planet at that time -- the hideous monstrosity known to history as Franklin D. Roosevelt!


You see, in most of his incarnations, Xenu tends to have problems with his legs. (Did Weishaupt use a cane? If so, I don't recall reading about it.)

But that's not the end of it. Xenu discarded that body and plunged headlong into the eldritch world of banking conspiracies.

Discarding the body of FDR, Xenu then inhabited the body of Per Jacobsson, an international economist with the Bank of International Settlements in Basel, Switzerland. The BIS, as it is called, was set up by the Markabians in 1930 to control international finance and the reserves and currencies of all nations. Xenu, as Jacobsson (or Herr J. as he is called by the Germans), personally carried out much of this part of the world domination plan and also saw to it that his co-conspirators and Markabian senior executives filled all the important posts in the Bank.

Today, the BIS controls over 40% of the world's wealth including the gold reserves of all the major nations. It is the Markabian "hard base" for control on Earth, is totally free of any taxation and governmental control, and by Swiss constitutional law, is not even part of Switzerland.

From 1956 until 1963, Xenu (as Jacobsson) was Director of the International Monetary Fund, a post he used to gain full control of the American and Third World monetary lines.

All of which means that the time has come to show you the photograph I've been promising..


Yes, Xenu posed as a wonkish Swedish economist; you can read Xenu's biography here. Oddly, his dates overlapped FDR's to a considerable degree. How can this be? Was he in two bodies at once? Galactic Overlords work in mysterious ways...

Astar tells us that Jacobsson/Xenu faked his death in 1963 and later spent some time in Switzerland, operating under the name Joseph Strassburg (or maybe Strasser.) He must have gone deep underground, because Google does not reveal any world-shaking manipulator by that name. (I also don't understand why a Swiss would use the spelling "Joseph," as opposed to "Josef.")

Now, you're probably wondering: Do the FDR and Per Jacobsson identifications come from the strange, warped imagination of Bill Robertson or from the strange, warped imagination of L. Ron Hubbard? The current leadership of Scientology will no doubt tell you that Cap'n Billy is the sole author of these revelations.

I'm not so sure.

One does not have to delve too deeply into LRH's works and life history to understand that he felt a strong attraction to right-wing conspiracy theories. He had familiarized himself with the scribblings of anti-Roosevelt reactionaries. I doubt that Robertson would have had any concern for someone like Per Jacobbson. The Swedish economist figured in conspiracy literature published during the 1950s and early 1960s; after that, the paranoid fringe mostly forgot about him.

Recall that, back in 1968-69, Robertson had organized "sky-watches" for the Scientological elite, who were tasked to search for signs of returning Markabians. Billy must have done this at Hubbard's command. We may therefore deduce that, around this time, Hubbard had informed Robertson of Xenu's escape.

The "bad leg" motif in the Sector Bulletins reflects Hubbard's own description of Xenu, as gleaned from the script treatment Revolt in the Stars.

In short and in sum: I believe that much of the Xenu material in these Sector Bulletins reflects the views of the teacher, and not just of the pupil.

So now the question is: What form has Xenu taken in the modern world? We should look for someone who has been known to use a cane or a wheelchair. We may assume that he has devoted himself to plunging the world into darkness, war and chaos. Beyond that, you are on your own, Xenu-spotters -- I haven't a clue as to who he might be.

Okay, actually I do have a clue.

Hubbard himself may have given the game away early in his career, in a document he wrote around the time of his involvement with Jack Parsons, founder of JPL, in the immediate post-WWII years. If you don't know the story, it's a must-read. You can find various versions of the tale on the net, and in an excellent book titled Bare-Faced Messiah by Russell Miller.

(If you are familiar with the story, you may be interested to know that I once befriended Marjorie Cameron's preternaturally long-lived cat -- a Creamsickle-colored tabby not much smaller than a Honda Civic. The cat's owner even said that I could keep the creature if I wanted.)

The document is called "The Admissions of L. Ron Hubbard." Scientologists say that you're not supposed to read it. And here it is (pdf). These "admissions" are really a series of self-help affirmations, and they give us a ton of information about Hubbard's psyche. Indeed, this is the most revelatory biography the guy ever wrote.

In this private document, Hubbard tells himself that he is capable of maintaining an erection, in spite of all evidence to the contrary. He assures himself that he is good looking. He convinces himself that women exist only for his pleasure. He affirms that other men exist only to function under his will. He promises that he will no longer make a habit of stretching the truth.

In the "Admissions," Hubbard reveals that he sincerely believed himself to be in contact with an immaterial female being called "The Guardian," which may be considered Hubbard's anima or alter-ego. The Guardian usually gave him good advice, but sometimes, in a rather malefic fashion, she would lead him astray. The nomenclature probably derives from the term "Holy Guardian Angel," as used in Thelema, the brand of occultism which had attracted Jack Parsons. Hubbard was in contact with this entity -- originally called The Empress -- even before he met Parsons.

After his discharge from the Navy, Hubbard -- hoping to secure Veteran's benefits -- pretended to have various health ailments. (He also told the Navy that he had severe mental health issues, which may have been no pretense.) Apparently, the feigned injuries must have caused him some real-life angst, because he felt compelled to tell himself the following:

Your hip is a pose. You have a sound hip. It never hurts. Your shoulder never hurts.

Your foot was an alibi. The injury is no longer needed. It is well. You have perfect and lovely feet.

People dislike cripples. You need never be a cripple

Remember: Xenu always has problems with his legs.

Recall, too, that Xenu was the inventor of Dianetic therapy.

And now I can finally present the true face of Xenu...