The acceptable bigotry

Salon wants to warn you about a menace to civilization. Another truly heinous act has been committed by the religion that all true Americans love to hate: The Catholic Church. This band of mind-controlling monsters has dared to request married couples to say -- get this -- a prayer!

Can you believe the audacity, the mendacity, the sheer venomous malignity? Requesting adherents of a faith to say a prayer?

My god, will this conspiracy never stop? Does the Vatican's wickedness know no limits?

Here, for the strong of heart, are the actual words of that (suggested) prayer. Warning: What you are about to read is sheer unadulterated Catholicism. NOT SAFE FOR WORK! Prepare a vomit bowl. Looking at this text is like looking at the charred remains of the victims of white phosphorus.

“Father, send your Holy Spirit into our hearts. Place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes. Open our hearts to you, to each other and the goodness of your will. Cover our poverty in the richness of your mercy and forgiveness. Clothe us in our true dignity and take to yourself our shared aspirations for your glory, forever and ever. Mary, our Mother, intercede for us. Amen."

In the words of Joseph Conrad: The horror....the horror...

Now, some of you may be saying: What's the big deal? If the prayer bugs you for some reason, just don't say it. Nobody is required to utter those words. And if you're so very bothered, maybe you should simply attend another denomination's services. Or don't go to church at all.

Fools who say things like that do not understand the dangers of popery.

Sure, other religions may do as they please. Other religions can say: "How we pray is not the business of those outside the faith." Other religions may say: "If you don't like our beliefs and rules, simply leave." Other religions may say: "Although a church is not a democracy, nobody forces you at gunpoint to stay in the congregation." Other religions may say such things.

But, as Salon writer Francis Kissling wisely notes, Roman Catholicism is very different. The RCs are everyone's business, and those outside the church have a right -- nay, an obligation -- to insist that the Roman Catholics pray and believe only as directed by outsiders. Moreover, those raised within the faith who have decided that they don't like its teachings should not simply go elsewhere. They should stay and bitch, bitch, bitch. They should pretend that they are being held at gunpoint, because doing so allows them to indulge in their infantile persecution fantasies.

Thus, you are a bigot if you tell a Jew how to pray on Yom Kippur or if you tell a Muslim how to pray at Ramadan. But it is not bigotry to tell a Catholic how to pray.

Here's another important point: We must hold the modern Church responsible for any and all wrongs committed in its long history. But no other earthly institution, organization or group bears any responsibility for long-ago sins.

Thus, it is perfectly correct to keep reminding people that the Catholic Church burnt so-called "witches" -- but it is a grave error to note that Protestant churchman killed a larger number of "witches." (It is also necessary to inflate the number of victims from 50,000 or so to four or five million. That way, you can consider yourself persecuted simply by adopting the "Wiccan" label.)

The horrors of the Inquisition are a valid topic of modern conversation, because the Vatican remains responsible for that, and no amount of apology will ever suffice. But one must never bring up the mass murders of Catholics by Elizabeth and other British monarchs, because no-one alive today bears any responsibility for such things.

The Catholic Church stands damned forevermore because it did not completely abolish slavery in Catholic countries until the middle ages. Of course, one must never point out that slavery lasted until 1830 in Protestant England and until 1865 in the (mostly) Protestant American south. Never mention the fact that serfdom lasted longer in countries affected by the Protestant reformation. Obviously, all mention of 19th century serfdom under the Orthodox church is strictly forbidden.

Here's a test question: If you are an American liberal, which do you consider more evil -- the Catholic who opposes both abortion and the death penalty, or the Southern Baptist who opposes abortion but embraces the death penalty? I think you know the (politically) correct answer.

Those expressing their anti-Establishment leanings may proudly wear the Guy Fawkes mask. But don't ever bring up the issue that had Fawkes so hot and bothered.