ATTack!

Don't move.

Not if you want to stay online.

I have lodgings, for the moment, but I cannot get on the internet on any regular basis. This is a severe problem for someone whose living depends on net access. In truth, I need DSL access, not dail-up, since I often send and receive large image files.

Blame ATT for my current state of incommunicado. They are putting me through DSL Hell.

They have given me no fewer than three stated "due dates" for connection to begin. Those three dates have passed, and still no internet. The tech support guy assures me that the problem is on ATT's end, and has nothing to do with my modem/router.

DSL connectivity is a more widespread problem than I had previously understood. I know a small businessman who entered an even more infernal level of DSL Hell when he moved to new offices just a few blocks away. No internet for two weeks. Tech guys would come out to the new offices and say "Everything works fine," even though web pages would not show up in the new office. All very surreal. Finally, a tech guy came out who said that the earlier tech guys were idiots. He solved the problem with a few mouse clicks -- don't ask me how.

To make matters worse, this businessman uses Vonage, an internet-based phone service. This means that he also lost all telephone sales during the same two-week period.

Two weeks of no communication is enough to put many small businesses out of business.

Now I am very curious to learn why it takes forever for ATT to hook up a new DSL connection. I mean, DSL lines are no longer (necessarily) connected to telephone land lines. Mine isn't. So what the hell is the hold-up? Millions of people and businesses move all the time. Why should moving deprive one of internet access for weeks? Are other DSL companies just as thoughtless?

I want to know the details. Hell, I want congressional hearings.

By the way, the lack of internet access meant that I had to rely on ATT's directory assistance to learn a telephone number for a nearby university library. (That library is my current location. They have computers here.) Guess what? 411 no longer works. The new system forces one to communicate with RoboGirl -- a voice recognition thingamawhatzit -- instead of the (presumably) more costly human interface.

I made repeated attempts to use directory assistance, all of which cost money. When I said the words "University of _____ Library" as clearly as possible, RoboGirl thought that I had said "coffee shop."

On the second try, RoboGirl finally understood that I wanted books, not caffeine. (The two tend to go together, but are not synonymous.)

"I have four numbers," said RoboGirl. "Press 1 to hear the numbers. Press 2 to be connected to the first number."

I pressed 1 -- and instead of hearing numbers, I was patched directly through to the music library. Which is closed today.

I called yet again, and finally reached a human being. I said: "I want the number -- the number -- for the _____ Library of the University of California at _____. Can you just give me the number? Nothing else. I don't want to be patched through. I just want to know that number. I want to write it down and call it whenever I wish."

"Sure," said the operator. She promptly put me through to RoboGirl, who -- of course -- did exactly the same thing she had done before.

I'm turning into a crotchety old man. Why can't things like diretory assistance simply work? We pay enough for the service. We pay more than we used to, as measured in constant dollars. Why can't things work the way they did in the old days?

I'll be back online when ATT permits. Sure hope I won't be charged for the DSL I'm not using.