Your mission: Find this video (UPDATE)

This won't make sense to you if you've never watched the Food Network -- but if you have, prepare to feel your brain dissolve within your skull and come pouring out of your nostrils.

I just discovered that Chairman Kaga, of Iron Chef fame, came to prominence in Japan when he...can I actually write the words? Yes, I must...when he played the title role in the first Japanese production of Jesus Christ Superstar.

Video of this performance must exist somewhere. On a tape, on a shelf, in a vault. Somewhere. Whoever has it must share it with the world. This is a cultural artifact which could change the course of nations.

Update: Reader Cosa, all blessings be upon his name, found the audio online. Chairman Kaga actually can sing, although he is not right for the role. The Trial Before Pilate achieves orbit. Harken unto these sounds and your soul will change forever. You will be able to see through walls. You will levitate cats just by pointing at them.

I always felt the Jesus-shtupped-the-Magdalene meme originated not with the Da Vinci Code, not with Holy Blood, Holy Grail, but with Ian Gillan's performance as Jesus on the original Superstar recording. (I admit to having heard it. I was young and had not yet discovered Mahler.) Gillan, of Deep Purple fame, always gave the impression of being the sort of bloke who couldn't go out to buy toothpaste without fathering at least one out-of-wedlock child. By comparison, Chairman Kaga's "battle in crucifixion stadium" makes one realize just how hopeless MM's torch song truly is.