Cannon for Congress!

Why the donation button on the right side of this page? I'm entering politics!

There has been a great deal of talk about redoing the election which ended in victory for congressperson-elect George Santos, disgraced for lying about every iota of his life history. Not only that, he'll be facing more than one investigation into his shady finances. 

If a new election comes to pass, I intend to toss in my own trilby. Why not the best? Why not me? Who, I ask, is better qualified?

As devoted readers know, I am a lifelong resident of that place in New York that Santos lives in. I often do many New Yorky things such as eating pizza and talking loud.

If elected, I would be the first Representative to have earned the Bruno Rossi Prize for contributions to high energy astrophysics, the Purple Heart, the Nobel Prize for Blogging, and a Tony for my refreshingly unconventional portrayal of Mrs. Lovett in "Sweeney Todd." (Patti Lupone was so jealous she hired a hit man.) As Grand Master of the Knights Templar (eastern seaboard division), I've engaged in many incredibly secret projects that I'm not allowed to talk about, such as the creation of chocolate-flavored artificial adrenochrome. My Ring cycle was better than Solti's. And then there's the time I made a lasting contribution to our national prosperity by inventing Bitcoin.

Am I Jewish? Oy, am I Jewish! My mother, Matilda Shonda, often cooked potato latkas, matzoh ball soup, onion kugel, borekas, sufganiyot, dreidels, yarmulkes, and other very Jewish delicacies. And the guilt I grew up with...! This is true: When Apollo 13 broke down, first thing I did was apologize. Yes, my upbringing was so Jewish you could plotz. 

My father, Kyril Elmer Cannon, inventor of the Post-It Note, was 1/8 Sasquatch on his father's side. If elected, I pledge to be a staunch advocate for the rights of all Bigfoot-Americans.

People of New York and Americans everywhere, you need me as your representative on Capitol Hill. 

If you would like to donate to this campaign, hit the Donation button to your right.

Besides, I've got to come up with some extra scratch by the third or they'll turn my lights off. Thanks! And I promise to post much more frequently in the coming year.