Dear Mr. Trump: About your inauguration...

Dear Mr. Trump,

I understand that you've been having some difficulty in securing the services of talented musicians for your upcoming inauguration ceremonies. I would like to volunteer.

I would, of course, perform the number which has become my specialty -- "Epiphany," from the musical Sweeney Todd by Stephen Sondheim. My approach to this song somewhat resembles that of George Hearn in the video clip embedded above, although my version is crazier.

This song exemplifies the new American condition. "Epiphany" says everything that need be said about the Age of Trump.

If we can find a female singer to play the role of Mrs. Lovett, "Epiphany" can be followed by "A Little Priest." Once Americans have heard these two songs, everyone in the country will know just what to expect.

Now, about my ambassadorship: I'm not picky. In many ways, I'd prefer a posting to a small-ish country where my duties will be light. Jamaica could work. Denmark would be lovely. The Bahamas? Sounds cool. I'll even take Nauru, if they have an internet connection. As long as I have web access, I'm good. What I'm looking for is a nice, do-nothing sinecure that'll keep me far away from this country when the food riots start.

Also, can you throw in a Cintiq? It's a tablet you use for computer art. Too rich for my blood, but I'm sure you can swing it.

Best,

Joseph Cannon