WHAT conspiracy?

In recent times, we've seen many stories about hacked communications. We've been allowed to read private emails from the DNC, private emails from Colin Powell, even private Democratic party cell phone messages. Every few days, it's a new Watergate, usually directed against Democrats. We've become acclimated; Watergate is the new normal.

As I read these tales of hacking, one "grand revelation" has become noteworthy for its absence: The disclosed private communications have told us nothing which would justify the conspiratorialist mindset popularized by Alex Jones.

Sure, Colin Powell references the Bohemian Grove -- but he tells us nothing we did not already know. Powell's tone indicates that he does not take the Owlish Ones very seriously. Nevertheless, the paranoid Breibarters wrote an "Oooooh...SCARY!" expose of Colin's horrible secret.

(Side note: Readers may recall my earlier piece on the Bohemians, which revealed that the club had a direct link to -- gasp! shudder! -- none other than Gustav Mahler, the man who, in my opinion, shares the "World's Greatest Composer" title with Anton Bruckner. I'm listening to Mahler's Third Symphony as I write these words. If you learn the mystic depths of that work, you too may join the cogniscenti and walk the byways of Wealth and Power. Just like me!)

If we step back and take a broader view at all of these released Top Seekrit messages, we find nothing -- nothing nothing nothing -- to justify the Alex Jones view of reality. As we read these hacked messages...

At no point does anyone say: "We must follow the directives of our brethren of the 33rd Degree."

At no point does anyone say: "Adam Weishaupt's master plan is unfolding on schedule."

At no point does anyone say: "The Black Pope has decreed an end to Gospel-based Christianity!"

At no point does anyone say: "Our MKULTRA sex slaves have rendered our enemies susceptible to blackmail!"

At no point does anyone say: "The Grandmaster of the Palladium insists on speeding up the goal of Total Gun Confiscation!"

At no point does anyone say: "Our 'visitors' beneath Dulce demand more human blood."

At no point does anyone say: "The Court of Owls has decreed -- Bruce Wayne must join us or DIE!"

At no point does anyone say: "Hey doods -- y'all down for the big goat sacrifice at Fred's house on Friday? Fred says Bock beer is appropriate, but screw that -- I'm bringing Miller. NATAS LIAH!"

As more hacked emails come to light, the absence of such "revelations" will become conspicuous. Yet I predict that nothing -- nothing nothing nothing -- will force Alex Jones into the admission that maybe, just maybe, he was wrong about everything, and that the only real conspiracy is the one against the Democrats whose emails were hacked.

AJ can't make such an admission because he's making too much money from his shtick -- mostly from selling overpriced herbal remedies to his audience of easily-gulled rubes. Whenever AJ speaks, I hear quack quack quack. That's why Alex is backing the guy who wants to get rid of the FDA: There's gold in them thar pills.

In the 1980s and '90s, televangelists bilked millions of ninnies. Nowadyas, the real money is in right-wing Conspiracism. Fear is the new Jesus.

In closing: I invite you to study the following video (the first of four parts) for hidden Illuminati messages, straight from the heart of the Bohemian Grove. If you can't see them, you must be really stupid. Sorry, but you can't join our club. Neener!