To the happy home, with trees and flowers and chirping birds...

It's official: The United States has gone crazy. Red state, blue state: The whole damned place has gone buggier than a beehive.

Out in California, we learn that Brandon Kiel, an aide to the State Attorney General, has been charged with running a rogue police force called the Masonic Fraternal Police Department. The group claims to be 3000 years old. They also claim to be descended from the Knights Templar, which was founded by a crusader named Hugues de Payens in 1119 AD. (Interesting chronology.)

We are told that the MFPD operates in 33 states and Mexico. It's a "bloodline" organization: You do not join the MFPD; you are born into it.

Yes, they have a website. Visitors should proceed with caution: My "site adviser" plugin flashed a warning about "risky" behavior. If you are brave enough to go forward, you will soon encounter the oath sworn by members of the MFPD:

I Am Fraternally Obligated. I Most Solemnly & Sincerely Promise & Swear to Protect & Serve & Uphold The Constitution & By-Laws of That Grandmaster & That Sovereign Jurisdiction So Help Me God Amen, Amen, Amen Fraternally Faithful, Absolute Supreme Sovereign Grandmaster Henry 32° 33° X°

There's even a photo of Grandmaster Henry, which I have taken the liberty of reproducing here.

The Masonic Fraternal Organization is the oldest and most respected organization in the “World.” Grand Masters around the various states are facing serious safety concerns for their Jurisdictions and their family members. The first Police Department was created by the "Knights Templar's" back in 1100 B.C.

The Masonic Fraternal Police Department, (M.F.P.D.) is the Knights Templar's!

Grandmaster Henry, it seems, never learned when to use the comma and the possessive apostrophe. Nevertheless...

He currently oversees a 1/2 Million members throughout the United States.

We are not “Sovereign Citizens’ nor do we condone terrorist activity, sovereign citizens or clandestine!

The website's submenus include these headings: "6,887 Grand Lodges," "Police Reports," "Complaints," "Clandestine List." That last heading seemed promising, so I clicked on it. Unfortunately, the page is password protected.

Anonymous...? Are you out there? A little help...?

Meanwhile, in Texas: The paranoia over Jade Helm 15 remains white hot. Congressman Louie Gohmert, who may be best-known for his onscreen appearances in Tex Avery's delightful "Screwy Squirrel" cartoon series, has weighed in on the controversy:

Certainly, I can understand these concerns. When leaders within the current administration believe that major threats to the country include those who support the Constitution, are military veterans, or even ‘cling to guns or religion,’ patriotic Americans have reason to be concerned. We have seen people working in this administration use their government positions to persecute people with conservative beliefs in God, country, and notions such as honor and self-reliance. Because of the contempt and antipathy for the true patriots or even Christian saints persecuted for their Christian beliefs, it is no surprise that those who have experienced or noticed such persecution are legitimately suspicious.

Once I observed the map depicting ‘hostile,’ ‘permissive,’ and ‘uncertain’ states and locations, I was rather appalled that the hostile areas amazingly have a Republican majority, ‘cling to their guns and religion,’ and believe in the sanctity of the United States Constitution. When the federal government begins, even in practice, games or exercises, to consider any U.S. city or state in 'hostile' control and trying to retake it, the message becomes extremely calloused and suspicious.

Don't you hate it when your messages get calloused? I use a pumice stone to keep 'em nice and smooth.

Meanwhile, such towering intellectuals as Ron Paul, Chuck "Bugfuck" Norris, Ted Cruz and Alex Jones have offered warnings about Jade Helm 15. Many people believe that this military exercise is a federal government plot to take over Texas.

(As Jon Stewart has pointed out, the federal government already controls Texas.)

It occurs to me that the kind of people who believe that Obama is planning the military invasion of Texas probably also believe that the Masonic Fraternal Police Department really is a renamed version of the Knights Templar.

Can't you just picture Alex Jones as he calls up the MFPD webapge? "Oh...my...GOD. This is it, people! We are behind the looking glass!"

But that's not all, folks! I've been searching the byways of YouTube for bulldada, a technical term which the SubGeniuses have defined as "That which is great because it does not know how bad it is." At the top of this very post, you will find an impressive example of the genre: "The Law has Passed: Killing American Christians by Guillotine." You will be gratified to know that this presentation has garnered more than 555,000 views.

(As you watch, imagine how you'd feel if this guy sat next to you on a Greyhound bus ride to Cleveland.)

The following YouTube "film festival" gives us additional views of the current psychological landscape of the United States of America. How did we attain our present state of mindlessness? I blame an educational system kept in a perpetual state of disrepair, coupled with a national tendency to leave our Creatures of the Id completely untethered.

First up: An investigation into the mystery of the moving lumps on Obama's forehead:



Next: "What have they done to Obama?" by the incisive filmmaker known as Faceintree.



"Is President Obama really Osama Bin Ladin?" You will be gratified to learn that this scholarly argument has received more than four million views. Please pay special attention to the "nazel structure."



And here we have "WHEN OBAMA RISES FROM THE DEAD MUSLIMS WILL WORSHIP HIM AS AL MAHDI= ANTICHRIST 666," brought to you by BROTHERDARYL (who is not to be confused with LARRY or MYOTHERBROTHERDARYL)...



I think that BROTHERDARYL's documentary would be more popular if it had a theme song, and I hope that some aspiring composer out there will whip one up. Suggested title: "THE LOVE THEME FROM 'WHEN OBAMA RISES FROM THE DEAD MUSLIMS WILL WORSHIP HIM AS AL MAHDI= ANTICHRIST 666'"

Just the other day, Jeb Bush said that the rest of the world needs to fear America again. Why is he worried? Any non-American who visits YouTube will find plenty of reasons to be scared of us.

Finally, I give you the pop culture artifact that predicted it all...