SOTU

Okay, I have everything I need to liveblog this sucker. And by "everything I need," I mean vodka. Updates will be frequent.

9:18: He said we're better positioned for the 21st century than any other nation on earth. That's Germany, actually.

9:21: Inequality and mobility. It's fine that he is addressing the topic. I liked the smattering of applause he got when he said "Too many just aren't working at all."

9:22: "America does not stand still and neither will I." But what if America is going in the wrong direction? What if America is shaking with the caffeine jitters?

9:25: Everyone just applauded Boehner's dad, the barkeep. I like that.

9:27: The designated survivor is Energy Secretary Ernest Moniz. That's a name with a half-dozen puns lurking within it.

9:28: Obama just bragged about the loans his administration has made to small business owners. Socialism!

9:30: Now he's talking about cuts to basic research. I hope Riverdaughter is going to write about this.

9:31: Cute tweet on Salon -- "I want to hear the president yell "You lie!" at someone in the crowd."

9:34: "The debate is over. Climate change is a fact." That was true ten years ago. The debate is never over if propagandists and zealots are paid to drag it out.

9:36: Training programs. Hm. How much training does it take to ask people if they'd like fries? He mentioned community college. Does he know how much CCs charge these days?

9:39: Unemployment insurance. I'm glad he mentioned this. But I don't think he will get what he asked for.

9:41: I'm kind of sad to hear him talk about higher education. What good are those college degrees nowadays? How can those students repay their loans?

9:43: Obama is delivering this thing snappily. Will that cause his poll numbers to rebound? I'm not sure it's just a matter of style...

9:45: "The dignity of work." I think he's heading toward minimum wage. Oh..."equal pay for equal work." An easy applause line, but he won't be able to accomplish anything. I liked that "Mad Men" remark...

9:47: It was interesting to see the Republicans refuse to applaud women.

9:50: You know, a saner country would have made Tom Harkin president.

9:52: I was with him until he talked about the housing crisis. He could have done something (something real) about the mortgage crisis YEARS ago.

9:54: He's smart to harp on the pre-existing conditions. That's one of the few truly good things about Obamacare.

9:58: "The spirit of citizenship" "One American family" -- jeez, this is silly.

9:59: He's talking about ease of voting, but not addressing the dangers of vote fraud via voting machines.

10:01: "America's longest war." Good lord. I hate that phrase, and yet it is true. The fact is, everything he's saying now is nonsense. The place will be a disaster zone after we leave. It's a disaster now. Nothing good can happen there.

10:03: What he said about Syria was nuts. He talked about Al Qaeda, but never mentioned the fact that the Syrian rebels are all al Qaeda sympathizers -- even the ones that Obama pretends are not.

10:04: Large-scale deployments MAY "feed extremism"? He's talking about Iraq, which was an incredible boon to extremism.

10:06: That Gitmo line made me want to vomit. He could have rectified the situation ages ago. He's talking as though someone else has been president all this time!

10:07: Of course, the Syrian government almost certainly had nothing to do with those chemical attacks.

10:08: Obama's own intelligence agencies aren't saying that Iran is going after a nuclear weapon.

10:09: The line about negotiation is good, I must admit.

10:13: Chanting "USA!" when he gives a shout out to our Olympic team. How silly.

10:14: He should mention the vets who are homeless.

10:16: The story about Cory Ramsburg (hope I'm spelling that correctly) was quite touching, I will admit.

10:18: "Our collective shoulder..." AIEEE! He said "collective"! SOCIALISM!

The end -- he says "God bless you" as though someone just sneezed. I like that.

Nothing about Snowden. Wonder if the Republicans will bring it up?

The Republican response:

I have just been handed a copy of the text of the coming Republican response to the state of the union. It reads:

"My fellow Benghazi,

Tonight we have heard the Benghazi give his Benghazi of the Benghazi. Benghazi, I have the Benghazi of responding to his Benghazi on Benghazi of my fellow Benghazis. And I am especially honored to be addressing our brave Benghazis serving in the Benghazis and in diplomatic Benghazis around the Benghazi. You may be Benghazi, but you are always in our Benghazi.

Like most Benghazis, for me this Benghazi is personal. My Benghazis immigrated here in pursuit of the Benghazi to improve their Benghazi and give their Benghazi the Benghazi at an even better Benghazi. They made it to the Benghazi, my Benghazi working as a Benghazi and my Benghazi as a Benghazi. I didn't inherit any Benghazi from Benghazi. But I inherited Benghazi – the real Benghazi to Benghazi.

This Benghazi – to make it to the Benghazi comes from a vibrant Benghazi where people can Benghazi their own Benghazi to open a Benghazi. And when they Benghazi, they Benghazi, who in turn invest or Benghazi, helping Benghazi start a Benghazi and Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi. Furthermore, Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi. And let us not forget that Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi.

Benghazi? You bet your ass, Benghazi! Good night and Benghazi."