Overseeing Satan

One of the wonders of America's intelligence services is their magical ability to transform congressional overseers into cheerleaders, and perhaps even players in their game. Diane Feinsten in the Senate and Mike Rodgers in the House both issued statements assuring Americans that their metadata is in good hands with the NSA. Feinstein was unintentionally funny:

"A lot of the privacy people, perhaps, don't understand that we still occupy the role of the Great Satan..."

The first time I read those words, I thought: "Hey! Feinstein just said that the United States is Satan! And she's chiding 'privacy people' like me because we don't want America to occupy that role! At last, Feinstein and I can agree on something!"

She went on to say terror terror terror nine-eleven nine-eleven nine-eleven yada yada yada. And that's why the NSA must retain the ability to spy on Angela Merkel and a whole bunch of domestic pols. That's why it was okay for the NSA to spy on your porn habits, and to acquire the content of your emails, and to tell law enforcement how to build cases without revealing that the incriminating data came from the NSA. All this and more is permissible because terror terror terror nine-eleven nine-eleven nine-eleven yada yada yada.

At the same time, the comedy team of Feinstein and Rodgers tried to convince reporters that Ed "Lee Harvey" Snowden did what he did under the direction of those devious Russkies.

Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif., chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee, said it was still unclear whether Snowden received assistance from Russian intelligence or another foreign government. No evidence of a link has emerged.

"He may well have," she said on NBC's "Meet the Press." "We don't know at this stage."

She and Rogers called for further investigation into Snowden's possible foreign intelligence ties before he fled, first to Hong Kong, then to Russia.

Cute. Can I play this game too? All righty... (Sound effects: clearing throat, cracking knuckles.)

Why do Feinstein and Rodgers toil so tirelessly on behalf of the spooks? It is unclear whether they have received blackmail threats from American intelligence concerning their deviant sexual desires for waterfowl. No evidence has emerged that they have fucked ducks. They may well have. We don't know at this stage.

That was fun! Let's do that more often!