GAY BDSM PORN AT THE CIA!

(How do you like my headline? I was feeling a little Fox Newsy this morning...)

CIA Deputy Director Mike Morell has left the Agency to spend more time with his family. In other words, he pissed someone off. His replacement is a woman named Avril Haines, who has an unusual background: As recently as 1995, she was a Johns Hopkins dropout who ran a bookstore known for its erotic literature readings. Couples would pay $25 to listen to someone -- presumably Ms. Haines herself -- read Anne Rice's "Beauty" books aloud.

As it happens, while courting my ladyfriend, I used to amuse her by reading the non-gay parts of those books while doing my characteristically superb impersonations of Bullwinkle, Comic Book Guy and Jack Nicholson. (Lately, I've been working on a Jonny Lee Miller.) Too bad I didn't live in Balmer in 1995; I'd have made those bookstore nights quite memorable.

I admire Ms. Haines. She may have been the last person to figure out a way to make money selling books to Baltimorons. Not long ago, I discovered that a thrift store owner in Dum-dalk prices his books at zero, on the theory that "Nobody here reads." In fact, there's a large book depository in the city that gives away its wares. How do they stay in business? Volume, volume, volume!

Semi-seriously: Replacing Mike Morell -- an advocate of torture -- seems like a step in the right direction. Did you know that Morell was the guy who delivered that infamous Presidential Daily Briefing to Bush? Remember that one? The briefing said that Bin Laden was determined to strike in the U.S., and Bush muttered something along the lines of "All right, you've covered your ass."

Funny thing about that document: There were indications that the original version was about ten pages longer. We discussed those indications in this Cannonfire post published way back in 2005. Y'see, we first learned about that briefing paper from a German journalist named Oliver Schroem, who reported in October of 2002 that the thing was nearly twelve pages long. And yet all we ever saw was the first page and a half.

Congressman Tim Roemer later confirmed that the original document was much longer. Dunno about you, but I'm awfully damned curious to know what was in those missing ten pages. Maybe now that he's no long employed by CIA, Morell can address this issue...?

(I know. Fat chance. Still, one can hope.)

So what do we know about Avril Haines, beyond the fact that she found a way make money from gay BDSM porn? Tim Weiner gives us some background...

She has been the White House deputy counsel for national security affairs since 2010; as the National Security Council’s lawyer, she has wrestled with the legal ramifications of drone strikes abroad and intelligence-gathering at home.

"Wrestled with the legal ramifications..." What a cute way of putting it! In other words, Obama was determined to embark on a death-from-above program, and Avril's job was to come up with a way to give the whole thing a veneer of legality.

She was a leading intellectual author of Obama’s May 23 speech at the National Defense University, when he said it was high time for the U.S. to run the Sept. 11 counterattack under the laws of war.

Y'know. Like the drone thing.

If you take a close look at this woman's background, you'll see absolutely nothing that qualifies her for such an august position at CIA. Then again, Poppy Bush had nothing to do with CIA until he was appointed head of the Agency. At least that was the situation on paper; the reality was quite different. Haines must have been approached at some point, probably while at college. Or maybe a man in a black suit showed up at those literary gatherings and scribbled in his notepad: "Haines enjoys reading detailed descriptions of torture: Possible recruitment material...?"

Now that she has Morell's old job, she can fly to one of those secret CIA prisons, change into her black leather boots and fishnets, and implement the nastier bits from those Anne Rice books. But if she really wants to inflict cruel and unusual punishment, she'll force her captives to listen to the poetry of Stanley Rice.

Of course, if word of that practice leaks out, the World Court will finally have to step in.