Contest: I'm looking for the most insane response to Obama's gay marriage stance

As many readers know, I do not favor gay marriage. My preference would be to see heterosexual marriage abolished. That's fair, innit?

That said, one wonders if the hysterical Republican reaction to Obama's announcement is genuinely felt or simply pro forma. ("Pro forma hysteria"? Is such a thing even possible? Yes. In fact, I'd say that phrase pretty much summarizes the entire Fox News business plan.) It certainly is amusing to see the GOP -- the party of Mitt Romney -- castigate Obama for changing his position.

Let's make a contest out of this. Which Republican can come up with the most insane response to Obama's announcement?

First, the reliably wacky Phyllis Schlafly:

"I think the passage of the [North Carolina] constitutional amendment is a good indication of where the country is right now, but the gay lobby has taken over the public schools, they have inserted their propaganda very much in the schools and we do see the evidence of that," she said. "I'm worried about what kind of mischief they're teaching in the schools. It isn't just the gays, it's some other groups. The schools are a real threat to the future of our country."

Gays control our schools! Yep, it's gonna be hard to beat Phyllis. But a commenter named Al Redwood achieves orbit:

That he is a Gay, Communist grifter the Gays know, a modern day Caligula light,  after buying for  him the presidency they are tired from promises and want a tangible result, fearing his second term is in flames they want an advance on their original payments, and he knows that they know that he  is Gay. It does not take a genius to figure it out, because many of his bundlers, appointees, friends and close associates , going back to Occidental College, Columbia University, his trip to Pakistan are mainly  associated with sex perverts. With the help of the Unions and the Chicago Left these organized crime  Alinsky style mob-methods have been in use since 2007 . More than  5 persons died in the process of  the  2008 election cycle, two gay men he had an affair with in Chicago, (choir boys who sing no more)  2  persons of the Electoral College, one Gay, Catholic author, one passport office clerk, wasted in his own car,  as well two persons associated with Breitbarts demise that are gone ( the last person who saw him and the Coroner-RIP). Therefore, the gays know that they could be targeted and perhaps they are making their case now?   If he does not deliver he could be OUTED.

It goes on and on like that. You should read the whole thing. It's just...glorious. I was particularly pleased by the way Big Al brought in the Alinski menace.

And now Dennis Prager displays his Masters degree in cognitive dissonance:

In addition to labeling conservatives and Republicans “anti-woman” (for opposing government-mandated free contraception), “anti-black” and “anti-Hispanic” (for advocating photo identification for voting), and “anti-science” (for skepticism regarding the belief that man-made carbon emissions will destroy much of the planet), Democrats now regularly label Republicans “anti-gay” (for opposing same-sex marriage).

All these charges are demagogic.

Yes, Dennis. Of course they are.

The coverage on Hot Air evinced some thoughtful responses:

Obama curtsies as he drops the soap. And does so quite naturally, though with a wide stance.

Obama comes out of the closet

I think all I said was that Michelle Obama looks like a tranny to me. That statement is not racist, homophobic or ignorant. It’s my opinion, based on her manly looks.

Angry White Dude:

There are a whole hell of a lot of black people that are against gay marriage and Obama needs every one of them to vote….at least three times each.

The Dude strikes a triumphalist note commonly heard throughout right-wingerland. Many conservatives are declaring that Obama, by endorsing the right of gay people to marry, has given up all chance at winning in 2012. Stick a fork in him; he's done.

And yet conservatives are also saying that Obama supports gay marriage because he is pandering for votes. Well, which is it? Is he ceding the election over a matter of twisted principle, or is he taking this stance for purely tactical reasons? Conservatives have fallen so deeply into a "hate trance" that they can't even notice such contradictions. Cognitive dissonance strikes again!

(In my view, the "pandering for votes" explanation gets closer to the mark. The truth is that Obama, having sold out the left repeatedly, feels obligated to give progressives something. Alas, conservatives cannot allow themselves to state that obvious fact. In their alternative media universe, Obama has given "left wing extremists" everything they could ever want.)

Back to our contest...

Fox Nation disappoints. Their first headline (widely quoted) was "OBAMA FLIP FLOPS, DECLARES WAR ON MARRIAGE." The less nutty revised version reads: "OBAMA FLIP FLOPS ON GAY MARRIAGE." If Fox had allowed the first headline to stand, they might have won our little tournament.

Fans of high loopiness will, of course, want to visit Alex Jones' Prison Planet, where a sage named Chuck Baldwin asks: "Does Homosexual Marriage Signal America's Final Undoing?"

Beyond that, the willingness of our political and judicial leaders to embrace homosexuality reveals their rejection of God's moral law and authority. It is no coincidence that within a matter of weeks after the White House and federal courts collaborated to remove the Ten Commandments from the Alabama Judicial Building in Montgomery that the entire nation would be embroiled in a fever pitch effort to legalize same sex marriage. God will not be mocked. When one sows to the wind, he reaps a whirlwind.

By accepting homosexuality, America is now fueling the flames of debauchery. When homosexuality is finally and fully accepted by American law, pedophilia and other more onerous behavior will not be far behind. As such, America is on the verge of a self- induced implosion.

Chuck argues that conservatives, ill-served by the GOP, should support the Constitution Party, whose presidential nominee is Michael Peroutka.

So, who wins the award for Nuttiest Conservative Response? For me, the answer is clear: Big Al Redwood deserves the gold medal because he brought in the Alinski meme -- the crowning moment of crazy. Chuck Baldwin gets the silver, and Phyllis gets the bronze.