The Perry pee-pee

Two little birds have told me that Rick Perry will not be the Republican nominee because an undefined "something" is going to come out soon. When the first bird said this, I shrugged. When the second said much the same thing, I started to wonder what that "something" might be.

Neither bird told me to look into a possible sex scandal, but that possibility seemed the logical starting point. What else could it be? Republicans don't care about financial scandals, at least not when one of their own is involved. All that their tiny little brains can comprehend is Gawd and misplaced wee-wees.

So I hit Google. Turns out there's a whole world of rumor out there. Start here.

Basically, what we have are two sets of allegations: Either Perry has slept with some very curvaceous strippers and hookers, or he has slept with men. Or both.

A strange accuser. The rumors are being stoked by a Ron Paul operative named Robert Morrow, who runs something he calls the "Committee Against Sexual Hypocrisy," which has an amusing acronym. CASH took out an ad in the Austin Chronicle:

"Are you a stripper, an escort, or just a young "hottie" impressed by an arrogant, entitled governor of Texas? Contact CASH and we will help you publicize your direct dealings with a Christian-buzzwords spouting family values hypocrite and fraud."

Morrow delineates his findings here. (Also here.)

I had an attractive stripper tell me about her direct dealings with Rick Perry. She said that she was attempting a Monica Lewinsky-type act upon Gov. Rick Perry (oral sex) but that in her words Perry was “too coked up” to perform sexually! When it came time for the stripper to leave, Perry gave her an outrageous amount of money, so large in fact that it probably means that Perry is taking cash bribes or illegal gifts to fund his extracurricular activities. Perry is not a rich man and I doubt he is spending that much of his own money on the women. (Actually sweetheart real estate deals have made the man unusual money.)

Another young woman, who has had direct dealings with Perry’s enabling entourage, told me that Perry is especially flagrantly adulterous when he goes on the road. She said that Perry has sex with the “young hotties” and that Perry and his entourage are literally having orgies in his hotel room. They are either calling escort services or picking up “young hotties” impressed by an arrogant, entitled governor of Texas.

And so on. It's all very droll. None of it, alas, is backed by someone willing to go on the record. At least -- not so far.

Morrow, Morrow...where have I heard that name before? His Facebook page is here. If we visit that page, we will find...

Oh no. No no no. JFK assassination stuff.

First, let's clear up a possible source of confusion. There are two Robert Morrows in JFK-land. I do not know if they are related; probably not.

The first was a CIA operative named Robert D. Morrow, born in 1930, who wrote two books about the JFK assassination in which he claimed to be an indirect participant. These books (Betrayal, 1976, and First Hand Knowledge, 1992) are clever disinformation, mixing little-known spook stuff with utter nonsense (and weird misspellings).

The other Robert Morrow -- Robert P. Morrow, the one we are dealing with here -- has loudly claimed that the assassination was engineered by LBJ. Morrow also asserts that the real mastermind was Poppy Bush. The "blame GHWB" scenario has become very popular among the libertarian conspiracist types, as represented by Alex Jones.

The LBJ theory has one fatal flaw: LBJ is on record as dissing the Warren Commission.

The latter-day "Bush diddit" nonsense is demolished by Jim DiEugenio in a talk given here.

Here's where things can get confusing, especially for Democrats and liberals. When libertarians become conspiracy theorists, they often have a tendency to demonize the Bush clan, because that clan represents a competing faction within conservatism. Problem is, the Bushes have actually done a lot of shit which both liberals (such as moi) and libertarians (detested by moi) would consider demonic.

Bottom line: Tread carefully in these realms. As I always counsel, the enemy of your enemy is not necessarily your friend. And if the enemy of your enemy is (like Robert P. Morrow) a friend to Ron Paul -- watch yer ass.

Although I think that a right-wing conspiracy killed JFK, this latter-day "Bush diddit" bullshit is infuriating. Nevertheless: The fact that I don't agree with RPM (may I call him that?) on the JFK thing does not necessarily mean that he is wrong about Perry. I just can't help wishing that we had a source on this that makes me feel more comfortable.

RPM seems to have an affection for photos of large-breasted lasses in various states of un- and semi-dress. He also claims to be a lover of both men and women. Maybe the P stands for priapic.

All of which brings us back to Rick Perry. You may have noticed that we don't really have anything on him yet, do we?

All we have done so far is demonstrate that his chief accuser is an odd duck -- a guy who likes both other guys and curvy B-girls. And he accuses Perry of liking both other guys and curvy B-girls. That's a bit suspicious right there.

Oddly enough, Morrow is not the source for most of the "Gay Perry" stories you'll find out there. Here, for example.

Stories about Perry’s alleged homosexuality are nothing new in the Lone Star State – dating back to the 1980s when he was first elected to the Texas House of Representatives. The rumors first hit the national radar in 2009 during his gubernatorial primary campaign against U.S. Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson. Perry wasn’t directly accused of being gay during that election, but Hutchinson’s website curiously included the term “Perry gay” in its website coding.

There never was a good explanation for that. I think someone on Hutchinson's staff caught wind of something.

Perry has railed against gay marriage, has compared homosexuality to alcoholism, and has hobnobbed with militantly anti-gay religious freak David Barton. So any gay hook-ups in his past would mark him as one of history's more audacious hypocrites.

The other noted source on the "Gay Perry" front is blogger Mike Stark.

As I began looking into this, I repeatedly heard detailed rumors of a past gay relationship between the Governor and his former Secretary of State, Geoff Connor. A version of this story included Perry’s wife, Anita, catching Connor and Perry in the act and screaming at him the next day from her office phone. The most common retelling has it that the Governor was caught, struck a quick (and expensive) deal with his wife that allowed him to avoid an immediate trip to divorce court, and swore everyone involved to secrecy.

I also learned of a new rumor making the rounds. Several sources told me they had heard that the Governor is in a current gay relationship with one of the two (male) chefs that Perry he keeps on staff at the tax-payer funded ($10,000 a month) temporary governor’s mansion.

Maddening. As with Morrow, no-one will go on the record.

Mike Stark is not another Robert Morrow. Stark has written some good stuff. This (for example) is on Kos, and you know how I feel about Kos. But it's still good stuff.

Is it possible that Stark is onto something?

I heard rather similar "gay" reports from a Republican source when Mike Huffington (Arianna's ex) was running for senator. Those rumors turned out to be based on fact. That's the thing about Republicans: When they start looking into tales of other Republicans who may or may not be guilty of wee-wee misplacement, they can do some pretty tenacious snooping.

If my little birds weren't making coy reference to the Perry sex rumors -- then what were they tweeting about?

Hypocrisy watch: I'm on record as saying that I don't think political careers should hinge or hang on sex scandals. I never wanted Mark Foley to resign, for example -- although I did get plenty of snickers from his travails. And back in 2008, I knew a little something about a certain someone that, if revealed, might have prevented Obama from taking the oath of office. I didn't reveal what I knew because, even though I would have (marginally) preferred a McCain win, I didn't want him to win that way.

So why a post about the Perry rumors? Am I being hypocritical?

No. Our business here is not moral judgment but prediction.

The question is: Will Perry be the GOP nominee? The factors that matter to Republican primary voters are not necessarily factors that I personally would give a rat's ass about.