This week's episode of "Ask Mr. Prick"

In the previous post -- the one in which I asked why so many women have an addictive relationship with shoes -- I promised to inaugurate a new "ask the prick" feature, in which I will attempt to further your understanding of why men do the wacko things they do.

Question numero uno: Why don't men simply "ask somebody" when looking for an item in the store? Glad you asked! There are a number of reasons.

1. If you're like me, you find most representatives of homo sapiens sapiens maddening and you prefer to keep dialog relegated to the fewest possible grunts.

2. Most stores are understaffed. Finding an employee -- and then waiting for that person to finish dealing with the two or three people ahead of you -- can get really annoying. REALLY REALLY REALLY annoying. Often, searching the store takes less time.

And even if it takes more time, at least you are moving, prowling, scanning, hunting, keeping your senses alive. As opposed to just standing there waiting for someone else to finish chatting. Which I HATE.

3. Stores really are not as big as some women seem to think. Take Wal-Mart, an extreme case. You don't have to search the entire store -- just the relevant department. Since most Wal-Marts have the same layout (more or less), all you have to do is scoot on over to the proper department and then scope out a few aisles. It's not a problem -- honest!

4. Often "asking someone" means talking to a kid, who knows not the difference between shinola and that which is not shinola. Usually, when I finally do break down and "ask someone," I receive that dreaded look of incomprehension from the pimply faced kid. The moment I see that look, my first reaction is to say "Never mind; see ya."

But it never is that simple, is it? Young Mr. Pimples won't let you just walk away. Oh no. He will insist that you describe in hideous, excruciating detail the exact nature of the doohickey you are looking for. And then he will repeat this description to his fellow employee, another doltish kid, who will also give you a look of incomprehension. And then they will consult their immediate superior, a slightly older doltish kid, equally clueless. At which point you tell the trio: "Look, just sell me a hammer. I want to bash my skull in, right in front of you, while you watch. All right?"

5. Oh, but the situation gets even worse if you are talking to an older person who knows his or her stuff. Because then you are expected to know the exact name of the thing you are looking for. And sometimes the exact name does not spring to mind.

Thus, if you walk into the hardware store having forgotten that a finial is called a "finial," you will feel like a complete idiot as you stand there trying to find the words which adequately describe what a finial is and does. On such occasions, your brain (if it is at all like my brain) will feel like a car engine trying to turn over despite a complete lack of oil. It's a lot less irritating to walk up and down the aisles until you see what you want: "Ah. That's it! A finial!"

This situation is worse for males than it is for females. Especially for young men, and especially in the auto parts store.

Once, as a young man, I needed a new neutral safety switch for my Ford Falcon, so I walked into the parts store and...forgot the exact name of the thing I needed. The surly old fart behind the counter glared SHEER HATRED at me when I asked for a "neutral something-or-other," even though I could describe what the thing did and where it was installed. His contempt radiated a heat sufficient to cook hamburger. I doubt that he gave many young women that glare of contempt.

(By the way, it turns out you have to go to the dealer for a thing like that. A neutral safety switch, that is -- not the glare of contempt. That you can get most anywhere)

6. Store employees are just too damn nosy. When I go to the hardware store and ask for screwdrivers, I want to hear "Aisle 12," or something on that order. And that's it. No further conversation.

But does the hardware guy leave it at that? Oh no. Instead of "Aisle 12," nine times out of ten the hardware guy will ask: "What are you building?" As though my project were any of his business.

For a while, I used to turn the tables on Nosy Hardware Guys by subjecting them to a long and really uncomfortable answer. "Oh, I'm building a stretcher bar for my girlfriend. You know, one of those spread 'em and flip 'em things, good for flogging sessions. I need something I can use both upright and horizontal." This answer was intended to teach Mr. Nosy never again to ask nosy questions. Unfortunately, I once ran into a Mr. Nosy who became intrigued with the proposed project and wanted to talk schematics. "So are you going for ropes or chains? Because with chains you're gonna need larger eyehooks..."

7. Instead of telling you "Aisle 12," the employee will often lead you to aisle 12. He will point to the item. And then he won't take "Thank you" to mean "You are dismissed." Oh no: He will stand there, looking at you, expecting you to pick up the item and head on over to check-out, with him following you every step of the way.

Which you may not want to do -- especially if the item costs more than you had expected.

Bottom line: It is always, always, always, ALWAYS better to FIND THE DAMN DOOHICKEY YOURSELF. Be the invisible consumer. Silently scan, hunt, prowl, pounce. Take in the general layout of the store as you go. Mentally map the place in order to make your next visit easier. Never talk to anyone.

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Question numero duo: What is it with men and baseball caps? I'm not the guy to ask, since I am not a hat guy. I once tried to be a hat guy, but people told me the black "Indy" hat looked goofy. Well I liked it.

Caps are very popular with balding guys. By contrast, shaven-head dudes -- a club which I joined some months back -- do not favor head-gear. We like the sun to glint blindingly off of our mugs while we glower and sneer at you.

I'll tell you this: Guys do not collect headgear to match their outfits. Any male who cares about that is as gay as a spring lamb. Let's put it this way: A man who has sex with another man may be gay. (Or maybe he just wandered into the wrong room.) But a man who chooses headgear to match the rest of his clothing is definitely gay.

In all likelihood, a baseball cap guy will collect caps which bear the logos of teams or products which he views as successful. He hopes that, through some process of atavistic magic, the aura of success will somehow transfer to him. Paul Fussell talks about this phenomenon in his book Class.