The Sonny Bono prophecy

I usually save the non-political posts for the weekend, but you know what they say about the hobgoblin of consistency. Besides, this column remained very political all weekend.

In 1974, National Lampoon published what it alleged to be the much-rumored Third Secret of Fatima, as issued in 1917. Here is the text:

Our Lady of Spain and Portugal says too that as a Punishment for there still being Russian Communists Her Son's Father is going to send us war, faman, irthkwakes, tidol waves, pestalents and plaigs starting as soon as Sonny Bono is canceld. I don't know what that last thing means.

That is all She said except keep up the good work and no Irish Popes -- She said You'd like that one the best.

The accuracy of this prophecy is downright eerie.

In 1998, Sonny Bono was well and truly canceled while doing an impersonation of George of the Jungle on skis. Since that time, we have had the following:

1. The 2004 earthquake in Indonesia killed 300,000 people -- a record. A year later, an earthquake in Pakistan killed 80,000.

2. Although widespread famine has not yet set in, the last year has seen a dramatic rise in worldwide food prices. Many believe that these hikes will lead to starvation and food riots.

3. The most devastating tsunami in history hit on December 26, 2004.

4. If we grant a certain looseness of definition, we may place "pestilence and plague" in the single category of "disease." Since 1998, the AIDS crisis has worsened dramatically in Africa and Southeast Asia. Over two million people died of AIDS in 2007, many of them children.

5. As for the issue of "war" -- well, that one should be obvious. At the time Bono hit wood, the world was a relatively peaceful place (except for the exact spot where Bono hit wood). Look at what has happened since then, especially since 2001. It is as though Bono's impact set off shockwaves of violence throughout the world.

6. The Irish Pope thing: Check.

Oh, one other thing has happened since Bono hit that tree: The Vatican released what it says is the real text of the Third Secret of Fatima. You can read it here. Compare those vague, garbled words to the clear and precise (albeit misspelled) NatLamp version of the Secret, as published in 1974. You tell me which forecast places greater reliance on the engines of strained rationalization.

Deduction: The Vatican concocted a fake Third Secret in order to draw the world's attention away from the real one. Why? Obviously, the Pope was embarrassed by Our Lady's strange usage of Sonny Bono as a historical reference point.