Let's re-lose China

While wandering through the aisles of the local Wal-Mart, I noticed that most of the goods on offer were manufactured in China. Clearly, China is far too formidable a competitor.

That's when it hit me: In order to whup China's ass in the marketplace, we must convert that country to a system that does not work very well, such as Maoism.

Yes, I know that China technically still is Communist. It is certainly a dictatorship. The government still encourages a nostalgic reverence for the Great Oarsman. But let's face it -- the guys running the place these days are capitalist roaders, and it's no use pretending otherwise.

So what happened to good old-fashioned Maoism? "I'd like to think that in neighborhood of Peking, something will remain," said the Chairman to the Trickster vis-a-vis the legacy of Maoism. The trouble is, not much remains -- not enough to cause trouble. Obviously, those poor people need a new Great Leap Forward, a new Cultural Revolution, a new Hundred Flowers Campaign, a new yada yada yada. So here's my idea:

Let's publish a new edition of Mao's little red book, and let's import it into China.

Once the Chinese people understand the virtues of Dialectical Materialism, they'll quickly understand the foolishness of trying to outrace the Imperialist paper tiger as it races down the capitalist road. Screw Ang Lee -- bring back Jean-Luc Goddard!

Of course, we need to make the words of Mao attractive for modern Chinese readers. I'm thinking of publishing a full-sized illustrated gift edition of a substantially enlarged little red book, filled with lots of full-color cheesecake shots of Kung-Fu Action Babes. And a hologram cover. That'll fetch 'em, or I don't know Fukien Province.

Here's my problem: Printing a thing like this is rather pricey. After calling around, I have found only one print shop willing to do the job for a rock-bottom price.

They're in China.