Debate

First, let me say thank you thank you thank you to the readers who sent kind thoughts and donations yesterday. I had a medical emergency, the details of which I'd rather not go into, because it's all rather disgusting, as these things tend to be. The important point is that, during much of the day, I had an IV drip filling me with morphine. This was my first experience with having morphine shot directly into my veins and, frankly, I quite enjoyed it.

Even though I spent that day swirling through the realms of Morphia, and even though I don't recall anyone ever turning on a TV, I think I saw the McCain/Obama debate. I think. Here's my take on it.

First, I have to admit that Obama aced the swimsuit competition.

Moderator Bob Keeshan surprised this observer when he asked the contestants to name their favorite Marian apparition. Obama, not surprisingly, went for the recent one in Kibeho, Rwanda, while McCain went for Lourdes -- an unimaginative choice, in this observer's opinion. Then again, you really can't go wrong with the classics.

Keeshan followed that up by noting that, not long ago, we celebrated International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Would (asked Keeshan) either McCain or Obama want to institute a similar tradition? Obama's suggestion was International Talk Like Lenny From "Of Mice and Men" Day, and I must admit that I found his impersonation -- DUHHH-UHH, I done a bad thing, George! -- absolutely charming. McCain, I feel, was simply showing off when he made not one but two suggestions: International Talk Like William Shatner Day and International Talk Like a Zombie Day. His Zombie was a lot more convincing than his Shatner. I think you could combine the two by talking like a Zombie Shatner, which would mean punctuating your moans with weird pauses.

I agree with the pundits who say that Obama may have cheated during the arm-wrestling competition.

I was a little put off by the times that Obama picked his nose on camera. It wasn't so much the fact that he did it -- he also felt compelled to place the offending substance in small plastic pill bottles which were then signed and dated. This, I felt, demonstrated a dangerous level of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

On the other hand, John McCain absolutely failed the dirty limerick competition. Limericks are not in iambic meter. Furthermore, "penis" does not rhyme with "tennis."

Was it my imagination, or did Keeshan turn into a demonic sheep as the night proceeded? I swear, I thought I heard him saying Bahh Bahhh Bahhhh while black smoke bellowed from his nostrils.

The "countries I'd like to nuke just for the hell of it" segment contained a few surprises. McCain justified his choice of Finland with one word: Because. Obama, unwilling to offend anyone, chose Mars. Very cowardly. Mars is not a country, and he knows it.

Obama showed true leadership abilities when he climbed atop his podium and started swatting at invisible bi-planes. McCain, for his part, did a spot-on impersonation of Fae Wray. All told, though, I think we don't need to see the "King Kong recapitulation" segment in future debates.

Special Guests Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie really livened up the "Weird Newscasters" segment.

At the very end, McCain struck a poetic note when he announced "We are all squirrels now!" as he and Obama went scampering off across a moonlit lawn, lost in a haze of early morning dew. Based on that gesture alone, I'm going to have to declare McCain the winner.