STUNNING UPSET!

The results of today's "Super Tuesday" primary elections have upset the predictions of virtually every pundit in the nation.

John Edwards, who had formally ended his candidacy, has nevertheless swept to a resounding victory in New York, California, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Arizona, Tennessee, Alabama and Illinois, making him the new frontrunner in the all-important delegate count. "Obviously, this gives my campaign a new lease on life," he announced to a pleased and surprised group of hard-core supporters.

On the Republican side, Governor Mike Huckabee, who achieved an overwhelming ten-state victory, delivered a highly unusual speech to his followers. With a shining red, yellow and black King Coral snake wrapped around his left arm, Huckabee chugged a bottle of antifreeze while speaking rapidly in an unknown language. Often, only the whites of his eyes were visible. At one point, he shouted "In hoc signo vinces!" -- adding: "P-X? What the hell does P-X mean?"

In sadder news, a train carrying Ralph Nader, Cynthia McKinney, Joe Lieberman and Cindy Sheehan ran off the rails, falling into a deep gorge in the Cascade Mountains. So far, officials have not divulged any information regarding possible survivors.