Freedom and fellatio

"You should avoid oral sex," says Swedish dentist and researcher Kerstin Rosenquist. She headed (so to speak) a Malmo University study which identified oral sex as a possible means of transmitting human papilloma virus (HPV), a wart virus which can cause certain cancers.

My friends, we're fighting a war -- a war against HPV. It's a new kind of war. Defeating this enemy will require ingenuity and determination. And a lot of money.

Right now, we're spending roughly a hundred billion dollars a year to support a failing military effort in Iraq. Some of you may feel that this money would be better spent paying down the American deficit, which threatens to cripple the economy.

I used to think that way.

But now I've come to a clearer understanding of our national priorities. We must invest heavily in research to eradicate HPV. If this fight requires one hundred billion dollars a year, so be it.

Of course, paying for a massive research effort mandates an immediate removal of our troops from Iraq. America stands ready to make that sacrifice. We must withdraw in order to forge ahead. We must pull out in order to push through. We cannot stand still.

I'm sure that our fine lads in uniform -- soldiers of all political persuasions -- will sympathize with this anti-war argument. If we don't act now, a generation of brave young men may lose forever a basic freedom.

To underscore the HPV threat and the need for new priorities, American women must refuse to perform fellatio on all men who still support the misallocation of our national resources in Iraq. This ban will apply to men in the military and in the red states -- and especially to men who have never served yet support the war. Ladies, the fate of our country is in your hands.

Just your hands.