"Bush uses cocaine, Prozac, alcohol" -- no, REALLY!

Gosh, I'd love to spend some time in Tom Flocco's universe. It's so much more interesting than mine. His latest piece includes some revelations which warmed the cockels of my heart (and you know how chilly those cockels get this time of year):

Federal law enforcement agents have at different times witnessed President Bush doing lines of cocaine in the early morning hours at the White House and drinking straight shots of whiskey in the evening hours on other occasions, according to U.S. intelligence sources...

Bush's doses of Ritalin and Prozac are reportedly administered by Col. Richard J. Tubb, the White House physician; and medical journals say they can impair the President's mental faculties and decrease both his physical capabilities and his ability to respond to a crisis.

Yep, those words definitely have a cockel-inflammatory effect. But Flocco can't resist reminding us that even worse things happened under the dreaded Clinton administration:

"...in 1993 and 1994 First Lady Hillary Clinton twice decorated the White House Blue Room Christmas tree with "twelve lords a leaping ornaments -- all naked with large erections, sex toys known as 'cock rings' or phallic objects using stylistic representations of the male penis, other condom ornaments, some still in the wrapper, some not...Two condoms 'blown' into balloons and tied to small trees...and [cocaine] crack pipes hung on a string.

"When Vice President Al Gore and his wife Tipper entered the Blue Room for the annual White House Christmas party and saw the condoms, dildo vibrators, and crack pipes hanging from the First Lady’s Christmas tree, Mrs. Gore said, 'You will not desecrate Christmas and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ;' and with one punch, Tipper Gore knocked Hillary Clinton between the eyes, flat on her back to the floor, and immediately left the Christmas party with the Vice President," according to federal whistleblower Stewart Webb who confirmed FBI agent Aldrich's pornographic tree assertions.

Goodness. We must write to Tipper Gore and express our gratitude for her pugilistic defense of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

For more on Stew Webb, who specializes in creating a hilariously hallucinatory version of history -- go here. As for Flocco, his "intelligence sources" are probably about as reliable as the madman who lives under the tree by the freeway offramp near my home.