Hairgate

By now you've all seen this instantly-infamous video, in which a gust of wind lifts up Trump's hair and reveals a whole lotta bare skin. We've all known for a while that Trump spends a lot of time on his comb-over; in that sense, these images are no surprise.

But the more I look at these images, the pattern of his baldness seems bizarre, perhaps unique. We may have a genuine mystery.

Before going further, some personal disclosure is in order: I myself am a great deal more...how to say it? More reflective up top than I used to be. Shinier. On a regular basis I shave my head a la Yul Brynner -- except for the beard, which is more Gabby Hayes. (Kids, if you don't recognize those names, hit Google. And maybe watch a few westerns.)

That's not a bad look for me. It works for most men past the age of 50, and looks pretty good on younger guys as well. On Trump, it would be one hell of an improvement.

I usually cover my dome with with a piece of headgear which Swedes call a tuque and Americans call a beanie. Some have accused me of wearing this cap to cover my bald spots. In fact, my ears are always cold -- a symptom of poor blood circulation. I have to wear the stupid thing even when sleeping.

Now let's return to the strange case of Donald Trump.

Bottom line: I just don't get it.

To be specific, I don't understand why hair is missing on the back of his head. He seems to have a reasonably sumptuous amount on the sides, around his ears. The hair at the top of his noggin won't remind anyone of the Fab Four in their prime, but, odd as it looks, I'd be happy to have that much.

Trump is the only human being I've ever seen who appears to be baldest in the back of his head, three inches above the collar. How can this be?

Another mystery: Why doesn't he use a toupee? The best of them are reasonably convincing, and he can afford the best. Even a less-expensive toupee would be preferable to his present situation. One might also ask why he never went for hair implants.

A year ago, HuffPo took a hard look at the notorious incident which led up to Trump's alleged "rape" of his former wife, Ivana.

In a 1990 divorce deposition, under oath, Ivana Trump swore that in a fit of rage, Donald raped her because of the pain he was suffering resulting from his scalp reduction surgery in 1989.

Donald’s scalp reduction, also known as alopecia reduction (AR), is most successfully performed on patients with balding on the crown on the head, according to HairtransplantMentor.com “The procedure, which essentially cuts out the patient’s bald spot, follows these steps: Under anesthesia, the surgeon cuts away the balding area of the scalp. Usually a portion somewhere between the crown and the vertex transitional point is removed. The remaining skin (which is able to grow hair) is sewn back together.”

The patient is supposed to abstain from strenuous activity for two weeks after surgery. Rape, or whatever it is that Trump did to Ivana, is not what the doctor ordered.

According to Ivana’s sworn statements, her plastic surgeon, Dr. Steven Hoefflin, who had performed Donald’s waist and chin liposuction procedures, also performed his scalp reduction surgery. Hurt wrote in the Lost Tycoon that the recovery was painful and Donald suffered “nagging headaches caused by the shrinking of the scalp, and the pain of the initial incision.”

In pain, and not satisfy with the immediate coloration associated with the process, on an irate phone call, Donald told the Dr. Hoefflin, “I’m going to kill you!” He then threatened to sue the doctor, not pay for the procedure and work to destroy his practice. (Vintage Donald Trump)

Does this procedure explain why the back of Trump's head looks so much worse than the top? I've been checking out scalp-reduction surgery photos on the internet (not always a pleasant thing to look at) and nothing I've seen so far resembles the strange case of Donald Trump.

So what the hell happened to the guy?

Seriously, he'd look a lot better if he followed the lead of Bruce Willis. That's the dude way to handle baldness. Even if you're not yet losing your hair, it's a very dude-ly look.