When Trump becomes president, reality will become as malleable as Silly Putty.

If and when the Vatican is attacked by ISIS, which as everyone knows is ISIS’s ultimate trophy, I can promise you that the Pope would have only wished and prayed that Donald Trump would have been President because this would not have happened. ISIS would have been eradicated unlike what is happening now with our all talk, no action politicians.

Correcting The Donald's verb tense choices is a job best left to Sheldon Cooper and Leonard Hofstadter. What interests me is this business of ISIS conquering the Vatican: When did anyone from ISIS ever say anything about that? If "everyone knows" about this, why didn't I know about it until just now?

Could you favor us with a citation, Donald? You are, allegedly, an author. Did you ever write the kind of book that requires footnotes?

More from The Donald:

I am proud to be a Christian and as President I will not allow Christianity to be consistently attacked and weakened, unlike what is happening now, with our current President.

"Attacked and weakened." Indeed. "Everyone knows" this. Ever since Obama became president, a person wearing a cross can barely walk down the street without being beaten into submission by black-suited Atheist Ninjas.

Apparently, we are now allowed to pull our facts out of the orifice which Aleister Crowley once called "The Eye of Horus." Very well, then. If those are the new rules, may I have a try?

If and when Donald Trump brings back the legal concept of droit du seigneur, which as everyone knows is Trump's ultimate trophy, I can promise you that all who voted for Sanders in the primaries will wish that they had voted for Hillary. I am very proud to be against sacrificing dogs to Satan, unlike Donald Trump, who has announced that canine holocausts will happen every single day when he becomes president.