Friday, November 24, 2017

Why I turned down Time magazine

Normally, I don't answer calls from unfamiliar phone numbers, but the ringer woke me from a sound sleep and I just wasn't thinking straight. A cheerful female voice identified herself as an editor for Time magazine.

"We've chosen you!" she announced. "We'd like to make you Time's Person of the Year."

"Why me?" I asked.

"We liked what you wrote about the Franken thing. Especially that line about the newt." She quoted one of my recent posts: "Leeann Tweeden could have said 'Al Franken turned me into a newt' and Franken would have had no choice but to say: 'I'm extremely sorry for turning Leeann into a newt. In recent times, we've all learned a great lesson about male privilege and non-consensual animal transformation.'"

"You guys liked that?" I asked.

"Oh god, it was hilarious. You killed. Here in the office, it was all we could talk about that morning."

"Huh. Good to know. That joke didn't get a laugh from any of my regular readers. Used it twice, and still no reaction."

"Really?" said the Time lady. "We thought it was even funnier the second time. Someone printed out a photoshop thingie that had Leeann Tweeden with the head of a newt. And that's when we decided to ask you to be our Person of the Year."

"Isn't this the first time you've made the choice based on a joke?"

"First time since Hitler. 'Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!'" By the end of the joke, we were reciting the words together -- after which, we collapsed in a fit of near-fatal cackles. Then she regained her composure: "Of course, we can't pronounce you Person of the Year without your permission. Obviously, we'll need to do a professional photo shoot."

"In that case," I said, "I must decline the honor. I don't allow photographs these days. Too ugly."

She begged and begged, but I remained adamant.

"Damn it," she said. "If you say no, then we have to go to our number two choice: Donald Trump. And he's almost as ugly!"

"Yes," I said, "but he doesn't know it."

7 comments:

Alessandro Machi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alessandro Machi said...

There was one little thing you may not be aware of that changes the timbre somewhat.

The reason Trump refused is Time said he was a Finalist and possible or probable winner. Apparently Trump's position is he would only partake if he was the actual winner. If ever someone needed a wing man it was Trump. Over and over we hear Trump tell us how selfless he is.

I have fantasized in the past that I get to pitch a TV show idea to a Network but I will only do it if I am given a 1 million dollar deposit which I will give back IF the show is picked up, otherwise I keep the million bucks. So, I get Trump on this one, if you really cared or thought he was the one, "they" wouldn't tease just as a Network can probably make any idea work, or at least, eventually, every idea will be tried anyways so why play so hard to get. especially if they are counting on the person making the pitch to be what makes the idea work.

Very funny article, although I am not very big on the Newt thing, I guess I haven't figured out if you are referring to New Gingrich, or an actual Newt, or both.

Joseph Cannon said...

Alessandro, my sources at Time report that Trump would have been number 1 if he could come up with a better joke. He told Time: "Gimme an hour." An hour later, he called back and said: "Polyubila parnia ya, Okazalsa bez huja. Nahuja mne bez huja, Kogda s huem dohuja?"

"Are you sure you made that up all by yourself?" the Time editor asked.

At that point, Trump started to tell another joke about Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, but the Time editor, having heard it before, hung up on him. Shortly thereafter, Trump started anger-tweeting. True story.

Clark Clickbate said...

Nahuja mne bez huja, indeed!

Ravenbit said...

Joseph, I for one though that joke was hilarious. Keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

I received a nomination for a Nobel Prize.

But I found out many people also receive other Nobel Prizes the same year.

That means it is not all that special, at all, so I directed the Nobel Committee to remove my name from nomination. Harumph!

XI



Anonymous said...

off topic news flash:

https://www.rawstory.com/2017/11/bush-ethics-czar-demands-kellyanne-conway-appear-before-congress-and-name-lawmakers-she-claims-sexually-assaulted-her/