I am the very model of a modern paranoia fan
I peddle fear while swilling beer -- so much it could destroy a man.
God help you if you're subject to my infamous loquaciousness
I'll interrupt and interrupt with conscience-free audaciousness.
I batter all my enemies with arguments ad hominous
That's how I proved that rock and roll and Rachel Ray are ominous.
I say the flags are flying false if ever there's a shooting spree
The hypno-programmed killers and the cops all act colludingly.
For Marvel comics are a plot to topple Christianity
And global warming is a hoax; I saw it all on Hannity.
All scientists are socialists and murderous Malthusians.
As Lovecraft tried to warn us, they are really Cuh-thul-HOOsians
And Hillary's the bloody queen of her Masonic ritual
Her ceremonies sanguinistic have become habitual.
And when the witch is finally dead, no-one will know a hotter fate --
Except perhaps for Johnny Dean, who bears ALL blame for Watergate.
The flying saucers really come from bases antepodean
Which Hitler built deep underground, of which he's still custodian.
They went to Mars in '62, but kept it from the knavery
and now they've made the place a home for pederastic slavery.
The water flowing to your home will gay-ify amphibians
The Queen's a lizard pushing drugs and working for the Libiyans.
The plot to murder JFK was really quite a tangle, son
So blame Fidel or LBJ or anyone but Angleton.
They deify a massive owl inside a Grove Palladian.
Their power is unfettered and their ego is Arcadian.
And only I have eyes to see a plot so Skull and Bonesian --
I am the very model of a modern Alex Jonesian.