Glenn Beck achieves conspiragasm

According to Glenn Beck, what happened in Ferguson and Baltimore was really just a huge Obama plot to have the federal government take over police forces across the country. The ultimate goal: Get Glenn Beck.

"We’re being set up, guys. We are absolutely being set up," Beck said. "And I don’t know — this is what I pray every night: 'I don’t know how to do this, Lord. I don’t know what you want. I don’t know — I don’t know what you want.' I can’t wake up anyone. Oh, if I had the voice of an angel. I can’t wake anybody else up. They’ve smeared me. I’ve helped them smear me. I don’t have any credibility. Nobody is listening.

While it is indeed true that Glenn has no credibility, as long as he makes me snicker, I'll listen. Especially on nights when I've been sipping vodka.

I can tell you what’s coming. I’ve told you every step of the way. I know what’s coming next.

"There will be chaos. Rivers of blood in the streets. I know it. I can see it!" Robin Taylor really must play the lead in The Glenn Beck Story. He'd be bloody marvelous.

(Sudden thought: A Broadway-style musical titled The Glenn Beck Story would sell tickets. I'm serious. This idea is a moneymaker.)

Amazingly, Beck wasn't done, as he then went on to implore his audience to prepare for the day when Beck and people like him are murdered in the night in order to silence their voices.

Conspiracy guys like Beck have been sounding this note for decade after decade, yet the predicted murder spree never takes place. Neither do any of the other classic conspiratard forecasts, such as the Great Gun Round-Up, the coming worthlessness of paper money, the relocation of all Christians into concentration camps, and the fall of California into the ocean. Ever since I was a boy (and my hair is now grey), rightwingers have been insisting that these things will happen any day now.

Here's my prediction: Beck will not be murdered by Obama, by the CIA, or by anyone else. Braying jackasses like Beck usually die in bed. You know who did get killed? Freddie Gray, about whom Beck giveth not shit one.

As it happens, there is a political murder spree happening right now -- but it's happening to the wrong people, so I doubt that Beck has paid much heed. The victims have been Ukrainians opposed to the neocons' coup. You won't read much about that disturbing series of mystery deaths in the New York Times, and I'm pretty sure you won't hear about it from the better-paid functionaries of the right-wing fear factory. (The exception being Alex Jones.) On the conspiracy-crazed right, all real conspiracies are routinely ignored.

Back to Beck:

"There are 10 million people that listen to this show. They cannot kill 10 million people in one night. You were born for a reason, and you’re listening to this show for a reason," Beck stated. "Prepare for a time when voices like mine or others are no longer heard and yours is the only voice."

I was born for a reason? Seems unlikely. It's all been pretty chaotic and meaningless so far. If I have a raison d'etre, it is to laugh at guys like Glenn Beck.