Saturday, August 09, 2014

Artificial long pig: The implications

ISIS, Israel, the Ukraine, Ebola -- yes, we face many problems. Here's an important concern that you may not know about.

Last year, the world's costliest hamburger was prepared and eaten -- a burger featuring artificial beef, or rather, "real" beef created in a lab. The reviews were mixed, but everyone agrees that this meal marked the future of meat. Eventually, the boffins will be better at bringing us bogus beef that beguiles us into believing it to be bona fide.

No more need to kill cows. Chic-Fil-A will have to find a new advertising gimmick.

But why stop with cattle? These researchers want us to chow down on Dodo birds and dinosaurs that taste just like the real thing used to taste. (Presumably.) (I mean, how can anyone be sure?)

But why stop there? If someone tosses artificial "long pig" -- ersatz human meat, genetically indistinguishable from the real thing -- into a pot of chili, are diners guilty of cannibalism?

Let's take this line of inquiry further. As you know, the zombie apocalypse is coming soon. Just ask any teenager.

Under present circumstances, a horde of undead cannibals would be considered an unacceptable social nuisance. These creatures simply cannot be accommodated into our culture. However, an artificial human meat industry could satisfy the hunger of the newly-risen dead in a socially acceptable fashion, leaving our zombified citizenry free to regain their mental acuity and ponder matters other than food.

They could rejoin humanity.

They could hold down jobs. Gain voting rights. Run for office. Write blogs. Design coloring books. Perhaps even intermarry with the living.

(I know what you're thinking: Yuk. But not long ago, most people had the exact same reaction to gay marriage.)

Unfortunately, jobs are not so plentiful as they once were. Do current jobseekers really want competition from the resurrected dead? Would a revived corpse have the right to resume a job held in life? If a reborn 90 year-old starts a second life (of unknown duration), should that person rejoin the workforce "on the bottom rung of the ladder" (as it were) -- or does she or he still qualify for Social Security benefits?

In short, how may we responsibly include decaying, flesh-eating necro-ghouls in our national conversation? The time to address the issue is now, before the problem gets out of hand.

Bonus question: Why do all the zombies in movies look like they died in their 30s? Weren't most of them grey, old and wrinkly when they went under the sod?
Comments:
"Unfortunately, jobs are not so plentiful as they once were. Do current jobseekers really want competition from the resurrected dead? Would a revived corpse have the right to resume a job held in life?"

Zombies would be cheap hires. They would work for food, because that seems to be their primary concern. And come the Zombie Apocalypse, I'm sure those lab-grown burger boffins would have figured out a method to grow brain tissue. It would be like Zombie Paradise! Until they got stroppy and needed to be shot or torched.

"In short, how may we responsibly include decaying, flesh-eating necro-ghouls in our national conversation?"

Also, too, if slaves counted as 3/5 of a person in the original U.S. Constitution -- the one that Merkins are supposed to honour and never change -- what percentage of a white, living citizen do they count as? I'd give odds that it will be 50% or less.

Bonus question: Why do all the zombies in movies look like they died in their 30s? Weren't most of them grey, old and wrinkly when they went under the sod?

The oldies are there, all right. You don't see many in the movies because it makes things too complicated. Also, they're bringing up the back of the pack when there's a slow-motion "Braaaaaaines" rush. You know how slow a zombie is to begin with. Now imagine that zombie with their slow pace made worse by being superannuated. It's a wonder they have enough energy to rise from the grave to begin with.
 
Synthetic long-pig isn't useful. Zombies need brains, which are a different thing altogether. In some iterations, like Warm Bodies, they need brains with actual memories in them. Synthabrains are not only still in the future but also inadequate.

Bonus answer: corpses swell up with gases and fluids and suchlike, which inflates the skin and makes it seem that the skin is not wrinkled even when it is. That and the flaw-obscuring powers of mud and gore upon the face.

 
We should all welcome the arrival of tens of millions of dirty, needy, and potentially dangerous zombies into our country. This can only strengthen our cultural diversity. Zombies are people too, and they deserve to share in the bountiful wealth this nation has produced. If it turns out in the future that supporting the zombies is too great a burden, then we can all lower our standard of living down to their level; it's only fair.
Besides, it isn't as if the zombies require education, healthcare, jobs (all their needs will be provided for), or even housing. Best of all: the zombies can't reproduce, so we won't be inundated with scores of millions of even more dependents in the future. Whatever dangers might be created by allowing the zombies in can be compensated for by increasing the size and scope of law enforcement agencies and more restrictions on our personal freedoms. It will be worth it in the long run. To someone.
 
Have you seen Fido yet??
 
Post a Comment

<< Home


This page is 

powered by Blogger. 

Isn't yours?






























FeedWind












FeedWind