ISIS, Israel, the Ukraine, Ebola -- yes, we face many problems. Here's an important concern that you may not know about.
Last year, the world's costliest hamburger
was prepared and eaten -- a burger featuring artificial beef, or rather, "real" beef created in a lab. The reviews were mixed, but everyone agrees that this meal marked the future of meat. Eventually, the boffins will be better at bringing us bogus beef that beguiles us into believing it to be bona fide.
No more need to kill cows. Chic-Fil-A will have to find a new advertising gimmick.
But why stop with cattle? These researchers
want us to chow down on Dodo birds and dinosaurs that taste just like the real thing used to taste. (Presumably.) (I mean, how can anyone be sure?)
But why stop there? If someone tosses artificial "long pig" -- ersatz human meat, genetically indistinguishable from the real thing -- into a pot of chili, are diners guilty of cannibalism?
Let's take this line of inquiry further. As you know, the zombie apocalypse is coming soon. Just ask any teenager.
Under present circumstances, a horde of undead cannibals would be considered an unacceptable social nuisance. These creatures simply cannot be accommodated into our culture. However, an artificial human meat industry could satisfy the hunger of the newly-risen dead in a socially acceptable fashion, leaving our zombified citizenry free to regain their mental acuity and ponder matters other than food.
They could rejoin humanity.
They could hold down jobs. Gain voting rights. Run for office. Write blogs. Design coloring books. Perhaps even intermarry with the living.
(I know what you're thinking: Yuk
. But not long ago, most people had the exact same reaction to gay marriage.)
Unfortunately, jobs are not so plentiful as they once were. Do current jobseekers really want competition from the resurrected dead? Would a revived corpse have the right to resume a job held in life? If a reborn 90 year-old starts a second life (of unknown duration), should that person rejoin the workforce "on the bottom rung of the ladder" (as it were) -- or does she or he still qualify for Social Security benefits?
In short, how may we responsibly
include decaying, flesh-eating necro-ghouls in our national conversation? The time to address the issue is now
, before the problem gets out of hand.
Why do all the zombies in movies look like they died in their 30s? Weren't most of them grey, old and wrinkly when they went under the sod?