I don't attend any church, but if you ask me, this kind of talk is just wrong
. Non-celibate Catholic priests? No no no no. No.
Look, if we must have religion in this world, I want that religion to be weird and spooky and colorful and surreal -- and traditional
. Would you admire the Dalai Lama half so much if he cast off the red robe and started wearing a six-button double-breasted navy blue suit? More to the point, would the Dalai Lama still be the Dalai Lama if you knew that he shared a bed each night with Mrs. Lama? Sorry, but it just wouldn't be the same.
Or take Jews. Believe it or not, I dig the beards, the yamulkas, the black suits, the mezuzahs, the whole observant Jew schtick. The only thing I don't get is the bobbing-up-and-down-while-praying thing, because the guy who's praying looks like he's listening to Philip Glass. I once helped a Jewish girl gather palm fronds for her little outdoor hut, and I thought that the end result was silly but strangely enchanting. I've never seen the Kaparot thing -- you know, the thing with the chicken -- but I like the idea.
Sikhs! Ever meet a Sikh? I love
those ceremonial daggers. If ever I join a religion, it'll probably be one with ceremonial daggers. I don't know the dogma -- heck, I don't even know if Sikhs are monotheists -- and I don't really care. Dude, it's all
about the daggers. Wouldn't you be ticked off if the Sikhs suddenly decided to stop carrying daggers?
You may have noticed that, throughout the Romney candidacy, I didn't make one "magic underwear" crack. I like
the magic underwear. The world will be a poorer place if one day the Chief Mormon announces: "New rule: Boxers!"
There used to be a cult in Canada called the Doukhobors. (Actually, there may be a few Douks still around.) They came from Russia and had some connection with Leo Tolstoy. (I forget what the connection was. Doesn't matter.) The Douks became well-known for two practices: 1. Getting naked en masse
in public, and 2. Blowing things up. Eventually, they stopped stripping and blowing shit up, and settled into a philosophy of love and tolerance. BOR-ing! Now
do you see the value of tradition
? I mean, these guys had devised what may be the ultimate
religion -- explosions and naked chicks -- and they just tossed it away.
Here are some Hindus in southern India demonstrating the practice of Garudan Thookkam. Basically, they think that if they hang like this with hooks in their backs for a long time, everything will get better. And I'm fine with this. Do you really
want these guys to mainstream their act?
So, yeah, I want RC priests to stay celibate, just as they have done for roughly a thousand years. You say Jesus didn't ask for celibacy? Feh. Too bad. It's still a tradition. A thousand years is no small amount of time.
Also: Nuns. Forget this modern nonsense. I want the wimples. I want penguinage. I want nuns who look like nuns