Saturday, November 26, 2011

Have a pissy Resentment Day!

This is Resentment Day, the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I am unhappy to report that this newly-christened antiholiday has taken off like an ordure-filled ICBM. Even though I will get none of the credit -- and isn't that typical? -- you can hear expressions of resentment everywhere you go. Just take a walk to the local convenience store: I guarantee that you'll run into someone who resents you mightily.

Here's one thing I resent: People who insist that Thanksgiving turkey is too dry and flavorless.

Year after year, everyone registers that complaint -- yet everyone demands the breast meat, ignoring the wonderful juicy stuff around the thighs. I'm reminded of the guy who insists on sitting in the very last row of the movie theater and then complains that the screen is too small.

Turkey isn't flavorless -- not if you cook it right. And no, you don't need to go for those expensive Butterballs. Just cook low and slow (225 degrees) for at least nine hours, preceded and ended by fifteen-minute bursts of high heat (425). Cooking upside-down certainly helps. (That is: Turn the bird upside down; if you try to cook with your feet on the ceiling, things may not go as planned.) The turkey, like any other resentment-filled creature, likes to stew in its own juices.

So no more complaints about this holiday tradition, or I'll resent the hell out of you.

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