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Friday, November 14, 2008

The perfect plates for serving Kool-Aid!

Last night I saw one of the most amazing commercials in the history of advertising. Someone is hawking a Barack Obama commemorative plate.

Over the past year, I have frequently been told that anyone who would vote against the Lightbringer must be a racist. The above-linked commercial targets insecure people petrified of being on the receiving end of such accusations. This product announces to all visitors: "No racists live here -- just look at the plate!"

The ad shows Papa Honky taking time out from writing a very important letter (or maybe a job application) to beam with adoration at his Official Obama Plate. Good ol' Barky. Heckuva guy.

It (the plate, not Papa Honky) is manufactured in (but of course!) China. What better way to show your patriotism than by tossing money at the Chinese communists?

This collector's plate comes to you with an official certificate of authenticity issued by the official American Historic Society. Even though I've never heard of that group before, I'm sure it's all very official. The certificate will verify that this is, indeed, a plate.

A plate with Barack Obama's picture on it. Did I mention that it's official?

There are only 67 "firing days" for this plate, which is enough time to make only a few hundred zillion of the things, so get yours now.

But lo...how can such things be? The Bradford Exchange also has THE official Barack Obama historical commemorative official historic authentic totally bitchin' Plate. I cannot adequately stress how official and historic and Important this plate is.

I'm starting to wonder about the pricing arrangements of these things. The plate listed at the top is yours for only $19.95. It comes with an official certificate of authenticity and a plate stand.

The Bradford Exchange version sells for $34.95 on ebay (plus six bucks for shipping and handling). It also has a certificate of authenticity verifying that it too is, in fact, a plate. But there is no plate stand.

On the other hand, there will be only 44 firing days. Therefore, this limited collector's edition is even more limited than the other one. That fact alone may justify the higher price.

The manufacturers of the first version appear to have engaged the services of an actual artist to paint Obama's portrait (from a photo). I approve of that. The competing Bradford plate seems to be a Photoshop job. Must've taken a full hour to put that one together. Still, it is official and historical and authentic and stuff.

We also have this fine choice from a firm that specializes in African American arts and commemorative gifts. They offer an 8-inch plate for only $22.50, reduced from $25.00. Here's the description:
Barack Obama 44th Presidential Coffee , Plate finished in 22kt Gold edge kilm fired dishwasher safe
"Coffee , Plate." Wait. I'm confused. Are these people selling coffee or a plate? Or both? Or is there a type of Presidential Coffee called Barack Obama?

This part's encouraging:
Comes with plate stand
Yes!
Limited Time Offer - Do not miss your chance to get yours.
No information about the firing days, alas. Also, we are missing that all-important certificate of authenticity. How do we know that this plate is really a plate? Quick...someone call the American Historic Society!

Here is your final choice. It goes for 30 smackeroos.

I have to confess that I'm disappointed. I mean, these guys aren't even trying. They simply lifted Shepard Fairey's famed Obama image, only they've transformed it into a black and white graphic. That move must have taken, what, maybe 90 whole seconds in Photoshop. Fairey did most of the work, yet I doubt that he is getting a cut. And Shep strikes me as the kind of fella who wants his cut.

Although you do get a plate stand, you do not get a certificate of authenticity. No newly-created historical society has vouched for this thing. On the other hand...
Each Plate sold there will be a Salvation Army donation dedicated to help support Hurricane victims on the Gulf Coast.
Each plate offered there will be ad copy writing with dubious grammar.

How much will the victims get? I dunno, but I'm sure the donation will come to more than a penny a plate. Fairly sure.

Why not collect all four plates? Think of the wonderful social uses of these official and authentic commemorative offerings:

"I see by your dishware that you are no racist."
"I see by your dishware that you're no racist too."
We saw by our dishware that we were not racist.
If you buy some dishware you can be non-racist too.


My only question is: HOW CAN I GET IN ON THIS GRAVY TRAIN?

As some of you will recall, I paint pitchas, and used to be pretty good at it. (No photo reference was used to create that there Pieta, thank ye very much. It all came out of my head.) I think I can cough up a plate-job that out-tackies any crockery heretofore produced on this planet. Think I should give it a try?

Better still. Maybe I should put together the Official Barack Obama Victory Comic Book, which will come with a certificate of authenticity from the Really Official Authentic Comic History Educational Society. This graphic novel will tell the story of the Lightbringer's glorious march to power. Sample dialog:
BO: Guess what, honey? A man I barely know has offered to help us buy the mansion we want, plus the property next door!

MO: Hallelujah! Thank you Jesus!
On second thought: Since Obi has demonstrated surprising appeal to Catholic voters, maybe I can put together a painting of Bernadette praying before a vision of Barack Obama standing in a niche in the grotto at Massabielle. "Je suis l'Immaculée Conception. Oui, nous pouvons!"
Comments:
Forget the plates, do a "commemorative" set of Kool-aid glasses.
 
Tread lightly here.

The hard part about this election is that most people voted for this man out of the goodness of their heart. These are not innately suspicious folk, these are folk that know something has gone terribly wrong and now look at this young, handsome family man, well spoken and inspirational and they have pinned their hopes on him.

I spoke with an elderly black woman today--92--remembered the Great Depression very well and told me a little about growing up a black girl in the south when there was nothing. . .just nothing (it was harder on the white folk, she told me, they weren't used to it.)

Well, what do you think, I said. Ever think you'd see a black man president?

She slapped my hand and her smile could have lit up the world.

They feed off her; but go after them, not her.
 
That elderly woman's smile was authentic. The plates are a gimmick.
 
Oui, nous pouvons! –“Yes, we can” … of course. I had to turn to a translating tool for the verb; some 48 years since French class. Memorizing and forced recitation of fables by Jean de la Fontaigne probably wasn’t the most effective approach to getting us high school kids to acquire proficiency with the language. Tried a novel by Camus on my own a few years later… too depressing, and I was far too busy with a dictionary and sorting out verb conjugations to appreciate any “literary quality.”

For quality, I was pleased too look at the pieta painting again. Today it was Mary’s face – very human and very deep. That is a work of art. Thank you.

If memory serves, the American Historic Society has been producing commemorative plates (with stands) since I was in high school. Or maybe another business with a similar name.

These folks could serve to print the kool-aid glasses
http://www.haneserie.com/newsroom/2008/11/
"super-quick-turn-around-times-for-traditional-finishes-and-small-orders"

or if the options of glow-in-the-dark and plastic seem more appropriate, maybe these folks have something to offer,
http://www.nicaboyne.com/shopfaq.asp

Who knows, maybe purchasers would be interested in a serial series of comics on glass/plastic ware/coffee-tea cups?

Myself, if I had the means to buy such stuff, I’d have been sending some donations in support of your website via the paypal thingy top left. You do good work.
 
I'm holding out for the whole Collectors' Set. Bernadine, Billy, The Rev., Rezzy, The Father, and so on.

I want them all. They ship one each month, and you can get either stands or wall-hangers.

They say it's a collection we'll be proud to pass to our grandchildren.

There may not be much else left to pass along.
 
Bravo, Joe. To quote Doc Holliday, as played by Val Kilmer, "I am rolling". Funny. Ass. Stuff.
 
Whatever happened to the Franklin Mint and their gimmacky plates?

Ms. Vandal
 
Those who still have money can get the Barack Obama Presidential Commemorative Coin from The Franklin Mint for only $9.95 and only $6.95 s&h. Comes with Certificate of Authenticity signed by Jay W. Johnson. Harder to break than a plate, but easier to lose.
 
Wow. He's not just a president, he's also a product.

Barack Obama™
 
The Immaculate Conception as RCC Doctrine pertains to Mary's having been conceived without taint; you've confused it with the Virgin Birth doctrine. Also, perhaps 'Si' would be the usual French in the context, a 'yes' to indicate contrariness or something contrary to expectation or belief.
 
The FUNNIEST thing I have read in weeks! Thanks for the big laugh.
 
Do they offer a plate for serving waffles?
 
Anon, I have no idea how you found a reference to the Virgin Birth doctrine in anything I wrote. I know all about the doctrine of the Immaculate Conception. I also know what Our Lady of Lourdes is reported to have said on March 25, 1858. The actual words were "Que soy era immaculada councepciou." Bernadette spoke an Occitan dialect.

How can you know enough about Catholic doctrine to define the term "Immaculate Conception" without knowing a thing about Lourdes? Didn't you ever see the movie?

All French news articles known to me translate Obama's catch phrase as "Oui, nous pouvons." Google it.
 
You could paint a much better portrait of Obama but I fear you would lack the proper inspiration and Obama would end up with horns and spikey teeth.
 
Tres bien! Je suis = I follow or I am?
 
"I am." But from the start, the phrasing has always struck people as odd.

Really, you have to see the movie.
 
Oh geesh, dishwasher safe???? Can you imagine attending a BOT's house for Thanksgiving or Christmas and having the whole table set up with Obama dishes??? That would be just too eeeeeerie! Woofing down a turkey leg while The One stares up at you ala Big Brother!
 
If they really want to make some sales they should print Obama's picture on toilet paper.
 
Hate to mention this, BUT THE MAN ISN'T EVEN PRESIDENT YET!!!! He is ONLY the President-Elect. He doesn't take office until January 20th!

Ms. Vandal
 
Ms. Vandal~

Obama is not president-elect.

Not a single electoral vote has been cast at this time.
 
Wow! I will act now! That confident smile and those kind eyes make these the perfect plates for my Greek wedding. Opa!
 
@ elliewyatt

D'oh! You showed me up :-) You're absolutely right. So how do we address him until the Electoral College meets?

Ms. Vandal
 
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