Cheney: What the Hell...? Strange rumors of assassination attempts and a military coup...

Can anyone please explain to me what the hell Dick Cheney is up to?

For years, I've tended to think of him as this administration's Martin Bormann -- the behind-the-throne power, the ruthless and efficient manipulator who secretly keeps the machineries of state humming because the front man is too nutso to do any actual work. In recent times, however, Cheney has seemed pretty damned nutso in his own right. He's still plenty ruthless, plenty manipulative -- but few now would associate him with the words efficiency, practicality and logic.

Let me first make clear that I am quite glad that the Taliban's bomb blast in Afghanistan did not harm him in any way. Still, what the hell was he doing there? How did the Taliban know of his presence there when most Americans did not? Why do we have such a large discrepancy in the reports of fatalities connected with this attack?

And why is the Taliban still a force to be reckoned with? Doesn't their continued existence testify to the failure of American policy?

What is that policy? According to Seymour Hersh, we are aiding Al Qaeda-friendly Sunni jihadist groups to put pressure on Hezbollah and Iran (thereby helping the Israelis). And yet Cheney seems to have chosen the Shi'ite side in the Iraqi civil war. Our government backs Maliki, who is close to Iran, which is now considered our new enemy. Our closest Arab allies are the Saudis, who are funding the Sunni insurgency in Iraq, which is taking a deadly toll on our soldiers. Yet American propaganda has tried to blame all of our Iraq problems on the Shi'ites and on Iran.

As they used to say in the old Warner Brothers' cartoons: It just don't add up!

What has been the real purpose of Cheney's peregrinations in recent months? We still don't know with certainty what he discussed with Saudi Arabia's rulers weeks ago, or even which side called the meeting.

What possible reason could have brought him to Pakistan to meet with the man who made a "safe haven" accord with Osama Bin Laden?

What was the real purpose of the journey to Australia and Japan? As a PR tour, the Aussie holiday failed disastrously; his very presence engendered massive protests. At any rate, no-one considers Cheney the kind of veep who specializes in goodwill tours and state funerals.

There are strange rumors surrounding the way his left the country -- rumors that the airport was closed off, that the jet was delayed in Sydney for undisclosed reasons, that a ramp was rolled back to Cheney's plane and then waved off.

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After leaving Sydney, the jet made a still-mysterious landing in Singapore.
Official accounts hold that the plane was held up by a "small mechanical problem." Originally, White House spokeswoman Emily Lawrimore said that the touchdown in Singapore was a scheduled fuel stop, but it later emerged that a "generator" problem may have forced the landing.

One has to wonder about the mechanical problem, since -- as it happens -- a surprisingly large number of presidential aircraft are in for "maintenance" at this time. The lack of functioning aircraft recently forced Condi to take a smaller jet than she usually uses.

The earlier ramp incident was not related to the "generator" problem...

Concern about the flight first arose after Mr Cheney's plane had stopped en route to the runway. A mobile stairway was sent out to the plane but a door in the plane opened and an unidentified figure appeared in the hatchway and waved the stairway off, a Reuters photographer said.

The door was then closed and the plane proceeded to the runway and took off.

Ms McBride said the incident was "absolutely unrelated" to the electrical issue, adding the plane stopped because a passenger had alerted officials an item of luggage had been left in a vehicle. It was decided the item should be sent on another plane.

Surely the matter was more important than one piece of misplaced luggage...?

If you examine all of these indicators (insofar as they have slipped into the public awareness), you get the impression that, well before he set foot on Afghan soil, Cheney has been traveling under threat. Yes, I understand that this is speculation based on tea-leaf reading. It is still quite possible than the rumor mills have wildly overblown a few uninteresting air travel troubles.

If the reader will allow a segue from the credible to the mondo-bizarro (and I suspect that some of my readers would positively relish such a side-trip), we have had a flurry of outlandish reports stemming from sites I've never before heard of and which do not strike me as believable. I pass them along because they are, if nothing else, entertaining:

Russian FSB sources are reporting today that an attempt by Special Forces Troops of the United States Military to arrest the American Vice President Cheney shortly after boarding his official plane in Australia has resulted in at least 3 dead and an unknown number of wounded.

These reports state that the United States Air Force, which is in control of the American Vice Presidents plane, sent an ‘urgent’ flash message shortly after takeoff from Sydney, Australia alerting their US Pacific Command Forces through the United States Worldwide Military Command and Control System (WWMCCS) network, and which is monitored by Russian Military Forces, of the deaths aboard the plane and requesting ‘orders’.

Near as I can tell, this tale originated with a strange creature called Sorcha Faal, who claims to have acquired the "True Knowledge of the Three Minds" after reading the Gnostic Gospel of Mary Magdalene. As it happens, I've read that book myself (insofar as it still exists). Alas, I still possess but one mind -- and that, just barely.

If the reader knows of any other source for these wild "FSB" reports, please let me know.