An Easter confession

(Note: The post below this one -- on Bush links to the Melvin Sembler, a child abuser -- represents a truly new area of investigation. But few read blogs on Easter Sunday. So I'll repost that report -- perhaps with additional info -- on Monday or Tuesday. For now, in light of the sacred nature of the day, I'd like to offer the following.)

I have a confession. Despite my jibes at the expense of "Jeff Gannon," and despite a personal vow always to write under the name that appears on my driver's license, I once used a pseudonym.

I am John Dark.

And who is John Dark? Therein lieth a tale...

Before Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" came out, you couldn't call up the Drudge Report without encountering a pop-up "poll" from NewsMax, which gave the impression that Hollywood was trying to ban Gibson's film. (Fundamentalists love to see themselves as victims of a "Hollywood" conspiracy.) The poll asked whether Gibson's take on the Easter story deserved public exposure; the results, we were told, would be personally handed over to the President himself -- as though King Dubya had the power to determine the film's fate.

Of course, this "poll" was just part of the film's canny marketing campaign. As usual, the Christians involved with this effort evinced a rather broad interpretation of the commandment against bearing false witness.

I didn't know if the film would have legs, but Mel Gibson sure did, and they needed pulling. Thus was born "John Dark" -- staunch defender of all things Mel. Dark took his crusade to usenet, and to points beyond -- even, as we shall see, to Gibson's production house itself.

Here is his first announcement:

I'm sure you've heard about Mel Gibson's upcoming movie "The Passion," which tells the story of Jesus Christ in the original jewish.

According to Newsmax, America's most trusted news source, Mel's in trouble. He's made some ivory tower Hollywood Big Shots angry, and now they want to burn all prints of this fine film about our Lord.

In other words, it looks like Barbra Streisand is at it again! First she writes and directs that smear-job against Reagan, and now this!

You may think that the people complaining about Mel's movie are just a few loudmouths expressing an opinion. Well, you're wrong.

According to Newsmax, these people have a "hidden agenda." In other words, IT'S A CONSPIRACY!!!

Poor Mel! He needs our help! And pronto!

If we all get together and raise some money, maybe we can buy back "The Passion" from the money grubbers and save it from being burned. I say church groups across the land should have bake sales and give the proceeds to Mel Gibson!

We can also have book sales. I can donate copies of "See, I Told You So" and "The Late, Great Planet Earth" along with some Tom Clancy stuff. I also have a copy of Ann Coulter's "Treason" which I spilled coffee on but I bet we can still get $3.

We can't expect Mel to carry the burden alone. He's done so much for us and it's time we did something for him.

Like me, you're probably "mad as hell" because Hollywood liberal marxists have FORCED you to pay for movies containing sex, drugs and filthy words. Seems the only thing they want to censor is our Lord. We can't let them get away with it this time!

Right now, here are three things you can do:

1. Send whatever you can to Icon Productions (Mel's outfit), 5555 Melrose Ave., Los Angeles, CA 90038. Every little bit helps!

2. And while you're at it, send a message to Barbra Streisand, c/o Martin Erlichman Associates, Inc., 5670 Wilshire Boulevard, Suite 2400, Los Angeles, CA 90036. Tell her "Mel is swell! Leave our Mel alone!"

3. If you go to the Drudge Report, the Newsmax "Passion" pole will pop up. Newsmax is going to make sure that George Bush and Congress will all see their pole. Climb aboard! Mel really needs a pole like this behind him.

If you have any further ideas, send them to me or to Icon. And pass this message along to your friends. Let's do it for Mel.

Yours in Christ,

John Dark

A surprising number of people took this post seriously. Many informed me, privately and in public, that the film was in Aramaic, not "Jewish."

But John had only begun his mission. On Dec. 6, he wrote an open letter (shared with the usenet community) to Gibson and to NewsMax:

Dear Mel:

I'm your biggest fan, and I'm furious about Barbra Streisand's ruthless drive to burn all prints of "The Passion," your upcoming movie about Jesus in the original amaraic. Newsmax says this is a huge conspiracy, maybe the worst conspiracy since Hillary murdered Vince Foster.

I've been trying to come up with ways to fund a counter-offensive. My first suggestion was, of course, a church bake sale, with all proceeds going to Mel Gibson. But there's more we can do.

1. I see that the Newsmax "Passion" pole has gone down. Please try to get it back up, because it was a wonderful, dignified way to draw attention to this movie. Newsmax promised to show the results to our president. I wish I could see it when Bush receives this pole.

2. Newsmax also sells Ronald Reagan mugs and Ann Coulter talking dolls. Why not action figures from Mel Gibson's "The Passion"? I'd like to see a full-sized posable Jesus, like the old G.I. Joe. Maybe you could press a button and He will say things like "What would I do?" in amaraic.

3. Mary Magdalene really needs her own pole. Americans like beauty contests, and one of the big assets of this film is your casting of Monica Bellucci in this role. In my opinion, she is easily the most spirit-film Mary Magdalene ever to appear in a Jesus movie. She should get far more votes than that heretical hussy in "Last Temptation" and the Hawaiian chick in "Superstar." Granted, "Greatest Story" had a pretty cute Magdalene, but she acted like she was on Thorazine.

4. All of which brings me to the best idea yet: Donors to the cause can WIN A DATE WITH MONICA BELLUCCI! Of course, this would not be a lust-centered date like the ones I'm always seeing on the Jillian Barberie show. Instead, it would be devoted to healthy Christian activities such as bowling or NASCAR.

With strategies like these, we can beat Barbra and her fellow DEMONcRATS.

Yours in Christ,

John Dark

On usenet, a reader questioned whether Barbra Streisand was the true bar sinister leading the "attack" on poor Mel. John responded:

The real question is: Is there any horror this woman is NOT capable of committing? After the illegal and financially disastrous election of Grey Davis, the horrendous forest fires, and the continued presence of socialist measures (e.g., workman's comp, welfare for Arab terrorists) in our civil code, I can only wonder how much more Streisand this state can tolerate.

Her hatred of Mel Gibson's Christian message is a widely known fact in Hollywood. And make no mistake: She is astonishingly powerful. That's why the media is running hundreds of stories every day praising and glorifying her.

I do hope you are not in her employ. If so, I shall be praying for you.

Yours in Christ,

John Dark

Finally, in February, Brother John offered this final message:

I just thought everyone would want to know that if you go to the Drudge website you can once again climb aboard the Passion pole which the fine folks at Newsmax put together to support Mel Gibson. Everyone should take Mel's pole!

I think this is a terrific and very dignified way to make sure everyone knows about this epic film about our Lord, which is in the original jewish or arabaic or whatever.

I also want to say hat's off to Matt Drudge, the man who proved to the world that John Kerry was having ungodly sex with an intern. Once again, Drudge has proven himself to be one of the finest soldiers in Christ's army. And take note, ladies: I hear he's not married!

I've considered a resurrection of Dark in the months since, but this blog has taken up too much of my time.

You may be interested to learn of Icon's reaction to all this. Bottom line: They took Dark seriously, and tried to ameliorate his concerns -- although they neither confirmed nor denied the allegation that Barbra Streisand led the anti-Mel conspiracy. However, they did tell Brother John how he could involve himself and his church in the opening day festivities.

In fact, I did see the film on opening day, making sure to switch theaters after paying for some other movie. Later, a friend gave me the DVD as a gag gift. Needless to say, I didn't much care for Gibson's piety-drenched answer to the works of Herschell Gordon Lewis.